For some unfathomable reason, celebrities often partner up with ginormous cosmetics cartels and release fragrances. These stunts are usually accompanied by some press conference and junket where, say, Britney, Kim Kardashian,
the tattoed guy from Buckcherry who loves da cocane, or whoever is shilling that day will feed you some line of BS about how they are now expert parfumiers and about how much input they had on mixing the right amounts of patchouli oil and bergamot essence to achieve something that can compete with Axe for the rubes' dwindling disposable income.
But adding a press release about your DEODORANT to the press material for you new CD? Really, Usher? Really?
So we got Usher's new CD in the mail today. It's called Raymond V Raymond and, as we had guessed, it's yet another of those split-personality things superfamous popstars are always making concept albums about (see Britney, Christina, Garth Brooks, Beyonce, The Beatles etc.). Usher's full name is Usher Raymond IV, and if our mama had named us after a type of minimum-wage worker, even if the name went back to our great-grandpa, we'd also revert back to our normal-sounding last name at some point.
But the CD or the “concept” are not the point. Together with the press release for the CD, we received a promotional brochure for Usher's charity work (hey PR guys, whether he's a super nice guy or not has nothing to do with what we're gonna think about the music, so please don't try to guilt us, ok?) and A FULL FACT SHEET about his COSMETIC LINE.
Sample sentence: “Go the extra mile with Usher VIP deodorant”!
Wanna read the whole thing? Of course you do.
VIP is a state of mind, where smart is sexy and intelligence rules the day. It's having presence and the confidence to make an impact. To understand the power of hope; to unify and defy the odds; to lead not to follow. Be your own VIP.
VIP the new fragrance from Usher
Eau de Toilette
Experience the immediate sensuality of a signature woody fragrance warmed by spices of nutmeg and exotic saffron. Constructed around a rich suede note, fresh clean bergamot, tangerine and kumquat exude the confidence of a gentleman at ease in his own skin. [sic]
Turn the everyday into exceptional with Usher VIP Shower Gel. […]
After Shave Soother
Finish your shave on the right note with Usher VIP After Shave Soother. […]
Go the extra mile with Usher VIP deodorant. This alcohol-free solid stick with Vitamins A, C and E glides on keeping skin fresh all day.
Not included: Usher's panties-removing vocal chords, kinda essential to “exude the confidence of a gentleman at ease in his own skin.”