Dave Shulman

{mosimage} I. Story is researched, written, edited and copyedited.SCIENTISTS GENETICALLY ALTER AESTHETICSBachman Institute Claims Dramatic BreakthroughBy Geese TaylorBenign-Gazette Science & Technology WriterAccording to a study published in The Bachman Journal of Abstract Genomics, scientists at the Bachman Institute’s Human Genome Laboratory have successfully altered the aesthetic judgments of a 32-year-old......

{mosimage}DOLPHIN’S ZONKED OUT in a semiprivate room on the fourth floor of the big orange downtown hospital. Yesterday’s surgery went well, and now Dolphin’s making the most of a king-size bag of morphine.“I just wanted a few more years,” says Dolphin. “That’s all. See a few movies, go out to......

POOR BORGICCI; HE HAS NOTHING. If it were you who had nothing, it would be poor You. But it is not. It is only poor Borgicci. “It is true,” poor Borgicci laments. “All my life, I hear, Poor Borgicci! He has nothing! But in fact, I am a wealthy man......

SPIRO TEABAGNU’S PLASMA PUB was on the north side of Wilshire Boulevard, and Scooter Haldeman’s was on the south. Both taprooms were multiscreen expatriate swandangeries: Teabagnu’s picklequick tarbenders drew pints for snat-yodelin’ ex-Shytowners, while Haldeman’s catered to hardcore huddleslabs — refugees of Quayleston who’d fled their snowy brick bungtangles for......

SUBSTANTIAL JOHN IS A FAMOUS musician, actor, comedian, author, politician, filmmaker and athlete. According to a recent poll in Teen Business People, 68 percent of Americans are more interested in learning about what Substantial John says, does or thinks than in spending time with their own families, friends and colleagues......

Historically, the easiest place to be real funny is in a bar. All you have to do is walk in and say something. For example, you might say, “They fired me!” and then curse, and then ask, “Can you believe it?” This gives other people in the bar, especially the......

The moon’s half full. The sky’s almost empty. To the west, surveillance helicopters circle in the thinning smoke above the embers of this afternoon’s explosions. Six relatively small bombs were detonated along Pico Boulevard in the middle of rush hour, followed by one enormous blast at the mall. This week’s......

Stare down at ye navels, all And heed ye navel’s call Stare ye down there all the day And soon ye life ye’ve sat away —Traditional LOW-HEAD CLARENCE AND HIS PARENTS, Tim and Florence, lived in Torrance, where they sat all day. They sat on a beat-up couch on their......