We were hoping to have a living, breathing fashion expert talk to us about the really fashionable things you're supposed to put on your body at Coachella this year, but that dude flaked out at the last minute and no others were available. So we had to go solo — with no prior training in the ancient and mysterious sartorial arts. But, we think you'll be pleased with what we've got. Here goes:
Or “shorts” if you will. We figure that this legless form of breeches will be all the rage this year. You probably shouldn't wear them if you're performing. But, if you don't want cloth touching the part of your body between your upper thigh and your ankles, shorts are the thing for you. Even if you're on a budget, we suspect that taking a pair of your own pants and cutting off the legparts will likely result in shorts.
Some Sort of Wispy Something
Flowy muslin full body scarfy things seem to work for a lot of people. Go for it. If it worked for drag queens crossing the Australian Outback, it can work for a cool kid like you “vibing out” in Riverside County.
Giant Foam Cowboy Hat
We saw these once while browsing the World Wide Web and have it on good authority that the hippest of the hip will be putting these between their heads and that oppressive desert sun. The foam acts as both a protective and insulating layer that will keep that dome cool, both literally and figuratively. When you've got one of these babies on, no one will bat an eye when you ask, “Hey attractive person, which way to the cool band playing right now?”
Stillsuit from Frank Herbert's Dune
Check out Duke Paul Atreides and his Fremen cohorts rocking them on the desert planet Arrakis in David Lynch's interpretation of the classic sci-fi novel Dune. Coachella is a lot like Arrakis — it's the center of the known universe and water is really fucking expensive. Who's got the spice hookup? You do, dawg. Since stillsuits recycle any moisture that comes out of your body, you can kiss those long bathroom lines goodbye.
Racially Ignorant Whatevers
We know that the American Indian headdress thing is sooooo two years ago, but that doesn't mean we can't offend a whole new culture with witless hip consumerism this year, right? How about conical Asian hats, or sub-Saharan African headdresses? The white Rasta look is a perennial classic. Don't worry, nothing is racist if you took a full semester of cultural anthropology from an accredited university.
They're like shorts…in reverse! Let's say, instead of freeing up your crotch, thighs and ankles to air and copious sunshine, you would rather free up just your ass cheeks? Boom: chaps. Just don't forget to slather on that SPF 50, friend, otherwise you'll be standing for a lot longer than the time it takes to recoup your dignity on Monday morning.
Artisinal Bearfat Sunscreen
Who needs name brands like Hawaiian Tropic? Not you; you make your own craft brew, after all. How hard can it be to render your own bearfat? No added chemicals, no dyes, no artificial scents — just like the native peoples used before we shoved them out of this pristine valley to make room for your molly-fueled humpty-dance.
Everyone who's everyone knows that straight women are all about facial hair on men right now. But we'll never hit “peak beard” until cis-females get in that action, too. Ladies, if you can't naturally grow a beard, there are hundreds of options at your disposal to get anything from scruff to full-blown Jeremiah Johnson. Although, that Coachella clock is pretty much ticked-out, so you might just have to cut some off your head and glue it to your faces.
As we've mentioned in years past, the “rumble in the desert” draws a number of famous people, musicians and non-musicians alike, out for a weekend of skin cancer acceleration. Many of them take endorsements for cool threads and some of them even have their own festival clothing lines. Check out Kate Bosworth's replicas of stuff she picked up at a fake thrift store, or Built to Spill frontman Doug Martsch's line of authentic, formerly white Hanes T-shirts.
Steely Dan T-Shirts
Steely Dan will get the joke, even if no one else does.