If, for the next few moments, we may be entirely liberal with the application of the term, I've remixed a fair amount of things in my short, trivial life.

When I was a pup, several friends and I remixed the skateboard. We made something called a MEGA SKATEBOARD, wherein we took two four-foot-by-four-foot pieces of plywood, nailed them together, then nailed four regular-sized skateboards to it, one at each corner. It was beautiful, and maybe even the greatest invention of 1993, we were convinced. We pushed it to the top of our street, situated it in the dead middle of the road, then all jumped on it. I've never ridden inside of a rocketship to the moon before, but I don't imagine it's any less exhilarating than MEGA SKATEBOARD momentarily was. I think we went probably 30 feet before it began to careen off course. The least brave (or smartest, maybe) abandoned ship early, before it'd built up enough momentum to truly be frightening. The most fearless (dumbest) attempted to steer it straigh. We crashed a horrible crash.

When I was in college, several friends and I remixed Powerball from the American Gladiators TV show. We called it POWERBALL (I've always enjoyed using all caps, I'm just this moment realizing), and it was basically the same as the original except it involved more trashcans and we swapped out in-shape guys for way-too-fat guys and way-too-skinny guys. I'm sure no more desperate grasp at athletic glory has ever been made.

And as recently as last month, I attempted to remix the BLT sandwich, replacing the bacon part with beans because we were out of bacon and beans are delicious and it's just a few a letters away from being bacon so maybe it'd work. It didn't. I didn't even give that one a name. (NASTY, NASTY SHIT SANDWICH, probably.)

Still, none of those, NONE OF ANYTHING, has ever been as disappointing as the new “official” Gangnam Style Remix, presented by Diplo and featuring 2 Chainz and Tyga(?).

Now, DUH, there have been bad remixes before. Remember when Game made “One Blood” and everyone nearly ran out of high-fives but then he made the “One Blood Remix” and there was infinity sad faces? Or there was Jay-Z on Juvey's “Ha,” mumbling-bumbling proof that HOV isn't supreme deity. OH CRAP, or but what about the “It's All About The Benjamins (Rock Remix)”? HOLY CHRIST. It had The LOX and Lil Kim AAAAAAAND goddamn Dave Grohl and Rob Zombie. But this new Gangnam Style strand is definitely, most certainly not like whoa.

It sounds like if you were really hungry and so you ordered penne pasta but instead they brought you a big bowl of glitter and sugar. It sounds like if when Little Mac was doing the training session between levels on Mike Tyson's Punchout he jogged right past the Statue of Liberty and straight into your cerebral cortex. It sounds like if someone forgot that Tyga was Tyga. It sounds like when you've been hanging out with your friends for just a little bit too long and you've just sort of had enough but you keep on making jokes and eventually you just hate everyone. It sounds like Lil Wayne's post-Carter III career. (Aside: Once Wayne screwed up Future's “Karate Chop,” that was it. That was enough.) There are a million of these that'd work, but mostly this graph explains what happens when you listen to the “Gangnam Style (Diplo Remix)”:


See, if you'll notice, there's a steady incline in how much you want to hang yourself as this song plays. The trajectory steepens as expected, until you get to the 2:04 mark, exactly 20 seconds after Tyga begins. That's the tipping point. Once you get to there you just kill yourself. I should know because that's what I did. I'm blogging about this from right outside of heaven's gate (the wi-fi inside the gates is only 2G — go figure). That's how bad this is. Back-from-the-dead bad, is how bad.

Here, if you accidentally hanged yourself, this'll fix it:

Ace Hood is the Jesus, Future is the God.

No remix to this please.

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