Somehow a person with a shitload of money decided to plunk down $1.8 million (think Dr. Evil voice) for Michael Jackson's iconic “Thriller” jacket this past weekend, which marked the two year anniversary of his death. We won't speak on the fact that the proud new owner, Milton Verret, plans to send the jacket on tour as as fundraising tool for children's charities.
But we did start thinking about what we would consider bidding on if we had the dinero to randomly splurge on eccentric, eclectic and useless pieces of memorabilia. Too much money + too much crazy = read on:
The bat head that Ozzy Osbourne bit off in a Columbia Records boardroom: Yep, you know that head is somewhere, yet is hidden like the lost ark. To think, that you could own a piece of the most famous bat outside of Bruce Wayne, and a major piece in Ozzy folklore that helped transform him from pioneering heavy metal singer to the iconic “Prince of Darkness.”
Scale of Bidder Insanity: 10 (Jesus! Who in the hell would want a bat's head? Excepted: the guys from Little Nicky.)
Frank Sinatra's blue eyes: Ol' Blue Eyes', well, ol' blue eyes, managed to make several generations of women swoon to his croon. If you could find a doctor who could put those puppies in and replace your ol' average eyes, then you can slay bitches like it's your job.
Scale of Bidder Insanity: 6 (Though taking a dead man's eyes is creepy, it is Frank Sinatra after all. If it could land you a supermodel, then it's worth it.)
Slash's pacemaker: As the legendary guitarist (and recent target of South Park) has documented in his crazy good autobiography, he talks about his trusty pacemaker, which was installed after his heart stopped for the 527th time (kidding, but it stopped more than the average person under the age of 79's did). For any GNR or Velvet Revolver buff, this could serve a clock or perhaps centerpiece for your homemade time bomb.
Scale of Bidder Insanity: 8 (Unless you are the Unabomber, looking for a used pacemaker or just a weirdo.)
Master P's grillz: When the Dirty South sound exploded in the late '90s, his P-ness (not to be confused with his penis) was at the forefront of the movement. Known for his epic clothing line, horrible moves, fledgling basketball career, unmistakable grunts and incomprehensible lyrics, P somehow managed in a few years time to: A) build a music empire by hoodwinking major labels in giving him hundreds of millions of dollars to sign crappy artists for the most part B) single handedly almost kill the author at Mardi Gras 2000 when “Make Em Say Ugh” came on and almost caused a riot and C) Helped fast forward the grillz movement, wherein every rapper and hoodrat who came from south of the Mason-Dixon line felt obligated to go to his custom jeweler to request grillz (which for those of you not in the know, are gold teeth encrusted with diamonds and all that jazz).
Scale of Bidder Insanity: 5 (Who the fuck would want someone's used encrusted teeth?! That is, unless you were willing to pawn them. Godspeed.)
For da kidz, Lil Romeo's game worn USC basketball jersey: Although the benchwarmer has seen little action in his several years at the not-so-much basketball powerhouse (but it is the author's alma mater so don't mess or mention the sanctions), Romeo, a throw-in to help persuade one-and-done sensation DeMar DeRozan to become a Trojan, has barely broken a sweat on this glorified tank top. Needless to say, this jersey could probably fit your teenaged child so it could be a good find, especially since it is probably in pristine condition from its lack of use.
Scale of Bidder Insanity: 1 (B-O-R-I-N-G)
Bruce Springsteen's used wifebeater from the late '70s: Though The Boss has changed up his look a bit over the years, he was synonymous in his early years for wearing nearly disintegrated tanktops on stage which made him look like a cross between hobo and dirty Jersey trash. Though it may seem disgusting now, this could probably be a great rag to use to clean your car, albeit an outrageously priced one.
Scale of Bidder Insanity: 3 (Probably because the shirt would disintegrate in your hand before you had a chance to enjoy it.)
A Gene Simmons used condom: You have to be off your rocker want to a piece of The Demon's member, unless you are one of those kooky KISS fans who believe whatever their heroes do is worth foolishly throwing down hundreds of dollars. Considering there's allegedly thousands upon thousands of these floating around (unless for some unspeakable reason, decided to use the same condom over and over), the value just isn't there.
Scale of Bidder Insanity: 9 (Used condoms for display, yuck).
And last but not least!
Michael Jackson's suburban housewife wig from his infamous mug shot: C'mon you didn't think we'd let the King of Pop get out of jail free on this, right? For a small price, you can rock the hairdo that millions upon millions of housewives in the late '90s-early '00s had. I mean, who wouldn't want MJ's wig, especially knowing what we do know about his multiple hairstyles. This is a trendsetter, and could be reused, plus hey, this is more infamous than his Thriller jacket, right?
Scale of Bidder Insanity: Infinity (A used WIG?!)