Bryan Gardiner

(Illustration by Ronald Kurniawan)

The Rise of the House of Bunny

Bryan Gardiner
It started off innocently enough. In 1993, Steve Lubanski gave his newly acquired girlfriend, Candace Frazee, a plush Valentine’s Day bunny. The bunny was holding a heart between its fuzzy paws. The heart said “I love you this much.” Not so unusual. What is unusual is that the bunny gifts......
(Illustration by Ronald Kurniawan)

When Pac-Man Was God

Bryan Gardiner
Video games themselves may rarely aspire to meaningful art, but that doesn’t mean they can’t occasionally inspire it. If you were among the throngs of hipsters, artists and game designers who stopped by the “I Am 8-Bit” group art show at Gallery Nineteen Eighty Eight this past May, you got......
Illustration by Mitch Handsone

Attention, Ball Lickers!

Bryan Gardiner
In 1973, a week before Christmas, 23-year-old Craig Kubey received an early and unexpected gift. The Bally Fireball pinball machine in the student lounge at UC Davis Law School was giving out unlimited free games. Four days later, the malfunctioning machine was repaired, and Kubey was exhausted from his pinball......
Rockstar's newest smackdown21st-century flimflam.

The Wrath of Pong

Bryan Gardiner
It’s an odd recipe for a company that specializes in debauchery: two athletes sporting pastel shorty-shorts, one Nittaku “3-Star” 40-mm ball, a regulation 108-by-60-by-30-inch high-density wood-composite table, and nothing more anti-Jesus than a variety of chops, loops, flips and forehand-pendulum serves. These are just a few of the anodyne ingredients......

The Rogue Cetacean Death Squad

Bryan Gardiner
1. Shelly 2. Kelly 3. Jill 4. Noah 5. Tamara 6. Toni 7. Jackie 8. Elijah Names of the Navy’s Advanced Biological Weapons Systems — bottle-nosed dolphins trained in counter-terror methods and allegedly armed with toxic dart guns — were accidentally freed into the Gulf of Mexico during Hurricane Katrina......
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25 Patented Ways to Improve Your Life

Bryan Gardiner
US 6,937,155 Toilet annunciator US 5,934,226 Bird diaper US 5,901,666 Pet display clothing US D498,801 Cube-shaped tennis ball US 6,351,867 Body squeegee US 6,863,070 Magnetic condom US 5,356,330 Apparatus for simulating a ?“high five” US 4,367,461 Coffin alarm system US 6,161,223 Pants separable at crotch for style mixing US 5,255,452......
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Recent Penis-Related Activities

Bryan Gardiner
Pulling In Fremont, California, Iron Crotch Grandmaster Tu Jin-Sheng used his penis to pull a rental truck several yards. In preparation for this feat, the man Kung Fu magazine called “a consummate artist, a shining wise warrior and a master of his own universe” had one of his assistants repeatedly......

Recent Penis-Related Activities

Bryan Gardiner
Pulling In Fremont, California, Iron Crotch Grandmaster Tu Jin-Sheng used his penis to pull a rental truck several yards. In preparation for this feat, the man Kung Fu magazine called “a consummate artist, a shining wise warrior and a master of his own universe” had one of his assistants repeatedly......

The Honorable Judge Nice

Bryan Gardiner
Image Control by Mr. Fish Bookmakers would have made a killing in Washington on Tuesday, as hacks and flacks, pundits and bloggers furiously placed bets on who would replace Justice O’Connor on the Supreme Court. By evening, the speculative free-for-all was over and the straight poop came directly from Bush’s......
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A Rove’s Gallery

Bryan Gardiner
Illustration by Mr. Fish Karl Rove may have released Time correspondent Matt Cooper from their double super-secret background conversation pact — thus allowing Cooper to avoid jail time — but it remains to be seen whether Turd Blossom himself will be able to evade the law in the Valerie Plame......