When Stephen Colbert isn't busy campaigning to be President, having a treadmill named after him in outer space, or testifying on immigration reform on Capitol Hill, he takes a few moment to address our favorite topic: food. In a recurring segment called “Thought For Food,” Colbert cracks us up as he cracks down on America's obesity epidemic, gazillion-calorie fast food innovations and other downright strange — read: newsworthy — food stories. Edible cat litter, anyone?
1. Carl's Jr.'s Footlong Burger
With 850 calories and 20 grams of saturated fat, we were kind of shocked that the foot-long burger's nutritional tally isn't worse. But as Colbert points out, this sandwich (or is it a burger?) is a dangerous threat to our health and heart. “In lieu of flowers, next of kin would like a side of onion rings.”
2. Friendly's Grilled Cheese Burger Melt
Part grilled cheese sandwich(es) and part burger, Colbert describes this sandwich as if, “Your lunch and two other people's lunches are having a three-way in your mouth.” And not in a good way. This sandwich is surprisingly worse — at least from a nutritional standpoint — than the Carl's Jr. footlong burger. It's got 870 calories and a whopping 38 grams of fat. If we're going to introduce that much heart-stoppage into our system, it better be from Kobe beef, cave-aged Gruyère and La Brea Bakery bread, not from processed beef and American cheese.
3. The Candwich
Let's start with the good: at least this sandwich is portion-controlled. Now for the not-so-good “For years,” says Colbert, “theoretical sandwologists had promised that man would one day be able to preserve and enjoy a sandwich with the same technology used to store motor oil.” We can only begin to imagine the squished consistency of said sandwich, especially that of the peanut butter/strawberry jam and peanut butter/grape jam varieties. But, here's where it really goes downhill because the third flavor is — you might want to sit down — BBQ Chicken. We'll stick with Char Siu Bao, thanks.
4. Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution
Jamie Oliver, the British chef perhaps best known for his Naked Chef cooking show, has been dedicated to changing American children's attitudes about eating fat-, calorie- and salt-laden foods as part of his Food Revolution. During a particularly gross segment in which school children were given a glimpse behind Chicken McNugget's deep fried chicken carcass pulp curtain, Oliver was convinced American kids would show the same common sense as their British counterparts, who turned their backs on the pureed and molded chicken parts. Not so much. Watching the American kids not only accept but dig into the nuggets, Colbert mused, “America has finally beaten the British at the last thing they're good at: Eating meat slurry.”
5. 100% Natural Corn Diapers
While we're not above calling certain types of food “crap,” we draw the line when it comes to actually crapping in our food. But apparently we're in the minority as Nature Care has created a line of baby diapers made completely from corn-based materials. As Colbert points out, “Finally, you can find your baby's poop in corn, instead of the other way around.”
6. EcoBot III
Speaking of waste, the EcoBot III is a robot that literally craps itself. That's right, the robot has a fully functional digestive system that ingests biomass, turns it into energy, and then excretes the waste. Gauging from the photo below, perhaps Ecobot should pair up with Nature Care to develop a line of robot diapers.
7. The Pringles & Cool Whip Sandwich
Last but certainly not least is Colbert's own sweet and salty sandwich, made from two Pringles chips enveloping a layer of airy Cool Whip. Taking a snack break during the Thought For Food segment, Colbert shared the Pringles slogan: “Once you pop, you cannot stop. I am hear to tell you, there is nothing wrong w/ that.” And just like NASA named their treadmill “COLBERT” (short for Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill, in case you're curious), the talk show host wants the same thing for the Pringles sandwich, exclaiming “I want that named after me, if that catches on.”
Christie Bishop also blogs for PardonMyCrumbs.com.