Movie sex scenes play a key role in the cinematic experience, especially those that make it into the spank bank for later use. But what happens when the fornication on film makes you want to cringe more than diddle yourself? Here are five of the most awkward sex scenes that have been burned into my retinas.
1. American Pie
Need I say more? Jason Biggs' character, Jim, is led to believe that private time with a lady is akin to sticking his manhood into baked goods. Misinformed, or what? Of course, when he arrives home to an empty house and an unassuming pie lying innocently on the counter, he decides to test this theory.
Cue the incredibly awkward scene where Jim's father arrives home to find the apple of his eye going to town on an apple pie on the countertop. I'm not sure any amount of kitchen scrubbing would ever clean that particular image from his scarred retinas.
This is singlehandedly the most bizarre sex scene I have ever had the misfortune to watch. Elizabeth Berkley and Kyle MacLachlan decide to take a watery approach to their love making, and retreat to the pool. Sounds OK so far, right? Wrong.
Everything about this scene is awkward and unnatural, from the less than graceful belly flop into the water, to the wild thrashing that ensues once they finally get down to business. The whole thing is reminiscent to something out of Deadliest Catch. Not ideal for setting the mood.
In a way, this is quite a sweet sex scene, if you overlook the underage drunkenness and vomiting. Evan (played by the eternally uncomfortable Michael Cera) is clearly smitten with Martha MacIsaac's inebriated character, and tries in vain to tell her how he feels.
She has other ideas, and proceeds to slobber all over him and attempt to get him going with a variety of unsexy dirty talk. The scene comes to a rather explosive climax, although not in the manner you would hope. Little Miss Alcohol Poisoning throws up in a spectacular fashion, bringing the agony to a premature end.
4. Monster's Ball
Dear God, I don't think I've ever felt pity for Halle Berry before, but this scene makes me want to wrap her in a blanket and hide her from the rest of the world before she makes anymore unwanted sexual advances. Her character is starved of love and affection, due to her other half being behind bars, and this is the only justification I can give to her throwing herself at Billy Bob Thornton.
Alcohol strips away her inhibitions and sense of pride, and results in several minutes of her moaning at him to make her feel good. His character is clearly not as in to it as she is, which only heightens the cringe factor, and we have to witness him half heartedly giving in to her, and then giving it to her.
I'm not entirely sure how a conversation about fingernails leads to sex, but in this atrocity of a movie, it does. Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck engage in some badly scripted dialogue before working their way into a kissing scene that could have been executed better by a couple of turkeys. Speaking of which, no woman should ever utter the words “gobble gobble” followed by a sly glance at her nether regions. Ever. I don't know who told you that it was provocative, Jen, but they lied.
For some insane reason, Affleck's character finds this highly attractive and proceeds to make saccharinely sweet love to his lady, while what the director apparently thought was romantic music plays in the background. Someone pass the vomit bucket.
What makes this entire situation even more toe curlingly awkward is the fact that Affleck and Lopez were dating off screen at the time. If their lackluster grinding is in any way reflective of what went on in their relationship, its no wonder they called it a day.