Coachella's sold out (though you can prob score a Weekend 2 set for a case of PBR, a C-note and at least one BJ). SXSW is approaching just as springtime … err, springs, and Bonnaroo — ticket presale just ended, folks! — is set for just before the sun is too hot for daytime boning.

What this means? Music festival season is nearly upon us, which also means lots of sex with individuals with whom you'll will never again see, speak or suck face. Here is a roundup of the random tail you can expect to get at festivals across the nation this spring and summer:

The Festival: Coachella

Who You'll Do: Turban-wearing hipster guitarist from Eagle Rock. (As by April, turbans will have replaced headdresses as the season's culturally offensive festival fashion must.)

Substances Involved: vodka lemonade, molly

You'll Bond: over your shared, mostly feigned enthusiasm about the At the Drive-In reunion and your mutual distaste for “all these goddamn hipsters.”

And Then: mandatory MDMA massage will turn into sensual fucking at 3 a.m. on hole 2 of the golf course behind your rental house. (Turban will stay on during.)

It'll Be: satisfying, and then awkward when you run into Turban at the Gold Room three weeks later.

The Festival: New Orleans Jazz Fest

Substances Involved: bourbon and Marlboro Reds

Who You'll Do: the trombone player from the band playing the Eagles show after-party that your dad's work buddy (who's got a house in NOLA) got you into

You'll Bond: while the player makes eyes at you from the stage during a bitchin' solo

And Then: post-show repartee and Knob Creek shots lead to bathroom stall quickie during which “trombone” is used as a dirty word several times

It'll Be: better than the Neville Brothers

The Festival: Sasquatch

Substances Involved: cocaine and double espressos

Who You'll Do: your older brother's friend from his company's IT department

You'll Bond: while sharing an umbrella during a killer Modest Mouse set

And Then: boning in the woods behind the Yeti Stage leads to poison ivy outbreak

It'll Be: sexy, wet, muddy, totally worth the gnarly ass-rash

The Festival: Bonnaroo

Substances Involved: mushrooms and sour diesel

Who You'll Do: dirty, pretty hippie who hitched down from Philly with said hippie's stacked, aura-reading friend Moonbeam

You'll Bond: at 4 a.m. while hula-hooping in the same vicinity during an STS9 set

And Then: three-way tent sex!

It'll Be: hot and dirty — both in both senses

The Festival: Lollapalooza

Substances Involved: oxy and beer

Who You'll Do: your college roommate's hot friend whom you used to masturbate to during college

You'll Bond: after drunkenly confessing your longstanding boner-crush during Creed's (guessing) headlining set

And Then: sloppy make-out session on the L during ride back to hot friend's apartment where you will then partake in assorted blow jobs and finger banging

It'll Be: lackluster, but you won't remember most of it

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