Like an unclean aquarium with especially boring fish, Britney and Kevin: Chaotic turns behind-the-scenes pop-star life into the most numbing of existences, and should handily drain all sex appeal from Top 40’s lip-synching Lolita. It certainly drives another nail into the coffin of “this is my life” reality TV, which was already proving to be a chore to watch beyond one season — as viewers of the Osbournes, Nick, Jessica and Anna Nicole can attest — but Spears and Federline are surely the biggest zeroes yet in this particular niche. With untitillating sex patter, school playground–level relationship philosophizing and interminably long, self-filmed close-ups of the singer’s face that should make camcorder dads everywhere feel like Sven Nykvist, Chaotic is as anti-entertaining as anything even a runt-like network as UPN has ever put out. Maybe Britney and K-Fed will be together forever. But there are more interesting, passionate and emotionally fraught married couples on any given episode of Cops.

UPN | Tuesdays at 9 p.m.

LA Weekly