UPDATED: It appears Mr. Jay Cutler got cold feet and, according to one of our favorite gossip websites, dumped Kristin Cavallari's shrinking ass. So when you get to their rating, just remember that it doesn't matter how useless, rich and anemic you may be — sometimes even a doofy quarterback can't be fooled. (Though, honestly? His loss. Cavallari's hotness out-relevances her social irrelevance.)
If you happen to play quarterback, the glamour position in the NFL, things are probably looking pretty good for you. You're rich, adored by millions, and – unless you're a complete loser – can land some pretty nice ass. In fact, you don't even have to be a starter to pick up a good-looking woman anymore (see: Boller, Kyle).
So, while summer may be the NFL's offseason, it's wedding season for women. We men have been sitting around twiddling our thumbs, waiting for the NFL lockout to end, but some of the few women lucky enough to land themselves an NFL quarterback have been planning the weddings they dreamed of when they were little girls.
What did these conquers of men get out of the deal? Good thing I'm here to tell you. Analyzing football might be my day job, but I can analyze women better than John Madden can analyze a kielbasa.
Sarah Marshall (married to Matt Ryan)
No joke. The Atlanta Falcons signal caller married someone named Sarah Marshall. The couple met when both were sophomores at Boston College, where she played basketball, and have been together ever since.
(If you know anything about women's basketball you know the players aren't the most graceful or lady-like off the court. Just watch a WNBA player try to walk in high heels.)
Anyway, Matt Ryan is the plainest, most wholesome, non-controversial quarterback since Bart Starr, so his choice in women isn't surprising. This isn't a guy who's going to do or say anything remotely interesting off the field. I wouldn't go so far as to say his wife is ugly, but she's not attractive. She's simply…forgettable. In that sense, Marshall and Ryan are a perfect match. You'd think a young, semi-handsome, clean-cut gunslinger could do better, though.
Dana Grady (married to Joe Flacco)
Dana Grady has been dating Joe Flacco, the quarterback for the Baltimore Ravens, since their senior year of high school. He finally made an honest woman out of her in June. There aren't a lot of pictures of Grady in circulation, so it's tough to judge her based on looks, but from what we've seen she's fairly average-looking.
There isn't anything about her that blows you away, which is more or less how I'd describe Flacco's game. On the positive side, she stuck around for eight years before he pulled the trigger on the wedding, so you know she isn't going anywhere. That's probably what Joe's betting on. I wonder if she knows how to look the other way?
Ashley Harlan (married to Ben Roethlisberger)
It's almost amazing that any woman would agree to marry Ben Roethlisberger, the Pittsburgh Steelers main man. Sure, he's got two Super Bowl trophies, but that's the same number of times he's been accused of sexual assault. Neither allegation resulted in a conviction, but Roethlisberger has a history of idiotic behavior and likes to get drunk with the townies.
Or at least he did until he met Ashley Harlan.
It's kind of like he picked the girl next door and proposed to her to rehabilitate his image. Harlan is a Pennsylvania native and attended St. Francis College before working as a physician's assistant. She's cute enough, especially for someone who looks like he should be working in the coal mines in West Virginia.
Plus, she'll make everyone forget about his “Drink Like a Champion” days. Everything considered, Roethlisberger did well for himself. We're not so sure we can say the same for Harlan, though.
Kristin Cavallari (engaged to Jay Cutler)
It's hard to get excited about Kristin Cavallari because, well, she was on a reality show and is one of those no-talent famous people. That being said, she's not hard on the eyes. No one will accuse her of being smart, but that's something that can also be said about her fiancé Cutler, the Chicago Bears quarterback with the hang-dog expression.
Jay Cutler has perpetual dumb look on his face, which goes nicely with the double chin that shows up from time to time. But hey, the guy did well for himself. No one's going to confuse the future Cutlers with Rhodes Scholars – they did release their wedding registry a full year early, but Jay managed to land himself a pretty solid prospect.
As an added bonus, she has her own money, so she doesn't need his.
Candice Crawford (married to Tony Romo)
You expect great things from the quarterback of America's Team in the female department and Tony Romo, the Dallas Cowboys field general, delivered. The guy who used to date Jessica Simpson hit one out of the park when it came time to settle down.
Not only is Candice Crawford a beauty queen (Miss Missouri 2008), she's got brains, too. She has a journalism degree from the University of Missouri and works as a TV reporter for KDAF, the CW affiliate in Dallas.
Hell, she even let Romo hire Steel Panther to play at their wedding, so you know she likes to have a good time. It's really hard to nitpick with this one, but few women in the world actually achieve the 10.
Crawford resides 10-adjacent.