We love you, Vivaldi, with your Four Seasons and all, but sadly you were not very hot. Yes, you taught violin at a Venetian girls' orphanage and tutored the prodigies there and composed songs for women's voices (not common in the early 18th century). However, you still were not very hot.
You know who was hot and talented though? Plenty of other composers and performers!
Some of you may be familiar with the extremely popular historical pr0n blog Bangable Dudes in History. What follows is our on spin on that idea: a short tour of some of the most bangable (and talented!) dudes in classical music history, as well as their contributions to their respective instruments and genres:
6. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (née Johannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart) 1756-1791
Primarily known for: being one of the greatest composers of the classical era (or possibly any era); being a child prodigy; that movie directed by Milos Forman.
Extra hot because: Here's a little-known fact about Mozart: he was pretty kinky. He and his cousin carried on what has been described as a “scatological correspondence” . It has even been theorized that he had “scatological disorder” due to his preoccupation with farts, poop, butts, and all things related. There is, in fact, a Mozart and Scatology Facebook page where you can read some of the poems he read to his cousin, like this little ditty (which rhymed in the original German):
Well, I wish you good night
But first shit into your bed and make it burst.
Sleep soundly, my love
Into your mouth your arse you'll shove.
5. Muzio Clementi (1752-1832)
Primarily known for: being the first to create keyboard works designed to capture the expressive abilities of the pianoforte; called “father of the pianoforte”; manufacturing good quality pianos and other instruments.
Extra hot because: Clementi was a child prodigy who grew up to become one of the most important figures in the development of the modern piano style. He was admired by Beethoven–so admired, in fact, that Beethoven signed a contract with Clementi, giving Clementi the rights to publish five of his major compositions. Clementi is credited with developing the legato technique for piano and establishing the form most often used for the piano sonata.
4. Franz Liszt 1811-1886
Primarily known for: being a prolific composer of over 1300 works; his skill as a piano virtuoso
Extra hot because: let us all first pause to note that he kind of looks like Crispin Glover. Anyway, in addition to being one of the definitive composers of the Romantic era, Liszt was a crazy talented piano player. Even now, some of his compositions are nearly unplayable; also, he was one of the first–if not the first–pianists to perform in profile to the audience (as opposed to facing it). His concerts generated a frenzy like that of a “modern rock concert” –contemporary concert pianists such as Clara Wieck, Frédéric Chopin, Amy Fay, and Robert Schumann were uniform in their praises of his ability and skil. When Liszt performed, women would shriek, faint, fight over the gloves he would purposefully leave behind on the stage, and throw their jewels at him. A rock star before rock was invented.
3. Johannes Brahms 1833-1897
Primarily known for: Brahms, of course, wrote the Cradle Song–a.k.a. Brahms Lullaby.
Extra hot because: Although he was one of the leading composers and musicians of the Romantic period, Brahms still found time to take daily walks in Vienna when in the city, and climb glaciers and mountains when in the country. He was also super casual, practically living in flannel shirts (yes, they had those back then) with no tie, and had a rough, cracked voice.
2, Ernesto Lecuona 1895-1963
Primarily known for: being one of the greatest, or possibly the greatest Cuban composer ever to have lived; composing “La Comparsa” ; and Malaguena (from the Suite Andalucia); his music was used in the soundtrack to Before Night Falls, the Julian Schnabel biopic about Reinaldo Arenas (which, of course, featured Sean Penn, as well as Johnny Depp playing two roles: one of a lieutenant, and one of a transvestite prisoner who smuggled pieces of Arenas' novel out of prison by shoving the pages up his ass).
Extra hot because: Lecuona (a.k.a el Chopin de los trópicos) started playing piano at the age of five under the tutelage of his sister, and for a time after his father's death, supported his family by playing at silent movie bistros. Eventually, Lecuona became known as a concert pianist, studying at the National Conservatory in Habana and later in Paris with Ravel. When in Cuba, Lecuona specifically cultivated the talents of female singers-– extremely rare in that particular time, and that particular place when prejudice against female performers was rampant. Even so, rather than bowing to the norms of his day, Lecuona would hand-pick talented women singers to perform zarzuelas at his Sunday concerts. By the end of World War II, Lecuona had built an impressive catalog of music which included 400 songs, 176 pieces for piano, 52 operettas,zarzuelas and musical revues, 31 orchestral works, 11 soundtracks for the cinema, 5 ballets, one trio and an opera. Sadly, he died in exile while on vacation in the Canary Islands in 1963.
And the Number One Bangable Classical Composer Dudes in Music History is…
OK–we cheated! He's not a composer (as far as we know) and he's not in history (yet), but how could we have a list of classical hotties in LA and not top it with: