While perusing all of the elated (aka flabbergasted) posts regarding Arcade Fire's Grammy win — high 5 to Fall Out Boy for their gourmet music taste — I came across a Buzzfeed list of fancy gifts celebs bought each other for Valentine's Day.

  • $40,000 hotel suite stay from George Clooney to lady of the moment Sarah Lawson. Hope they use it together.
  • A carousel horse (?) from Friendster Courtney Cox to former hubster David Arquette. Yeah, I'd have resorted to alcohol, too.
  • A seriously blinged out platinum cellphone from Jay-Z to Beyonce. No comment here. Beyonce is my Valentine.
  • Which got me to thinking…what the hell should the rest of us get our main ho's for this joyous holiday? When you're famous you have no trouble tracking down a last-minute lavender Bentley for your boytoy (ahem Russell Brand) or spare island to give to Bjork.

    And flowers won't cut it, cuz ladies can tell when the dozen roses sitting on the table were from the bottom of the barrel at Ralph's.

    1. Couples Massage. Now I'm not talking about fancy-pants Burke Williams here. Try smaller-fry, but equally as awesome, massage spots like Thai Sabai in Hollywood, The Lounge Spa on Washington Boulevard, or even one of the coed Korean spas.

    At the K-spa they'll work you out hard, plus you can hang with your hot piece before and after in the steam rooms. You'll feel relaxed and rejuvenated, so much so that she might even be up for anal later.*

    Don't make the appointment for tonight. That'd be dumb; they've probably been booked for weeks. Instead purchase it today and present it to your partner tonight right before he/she is ready to get down. Knowing there's muscle relaxation in the imminent future may inspire extra-acrobatic moves.

    *If I hear any of you heathens actually tried this without the prerequisite “OK,” I may lose the remaining 5 percent of hope I had in humanity.

    2. Private Hot Tub. Again, this is something to offer today and plan for a later date. “Make every day Valentine's Day” or whatever works for you. Places like Puddingstone Resort in San Dimas, Calif., (a hop, skip and a jump from L.A.) offer private hot tubs you can reserve by the hour, and some of the deluxe tubs fit up to 10 people.

    So yeah, that orgy she's always wanted? Be her hero and make it a reality.

    3. Really adorable sex toys. Whether you're buying for yourself or for your partner, it's never too late to get a cute blindfold, bullet vibrator or even a little outfit to slowly strip off.

    DISCLAIMER: Unless instructed otherwise, guys, don't buy lingerie or clothing for your girl. Too risky buying the wrong size (it'll be the death of you/your sex life should she morph the mistake into “you think I'm FAT??!!”) and your tastes might vary enough to turn her off before she had a chance to flip the switch.

    If vibrators and cockrings are a bit too far along for you, try pink satin blindfolds, fun feathers to tickle and giggle with, or even classic sex dice. You can always turn sex into a game without getting kinky with handcuffs and floggers. (Save that for next year.)

    Regardless of what's on your shopping list, the best part is you can run over to The Pleasure Chest or Stockroom right now and rest assured they'll have what you need in stock. Trader Joe's might be out of pink Prosecco and heart-shaped ginger snaps, but the adult stores of the world prepare for this day for months and months.

    4. Donate a Goat. This gift is timeless and helps you feel warm and fuzzy about helping the world via providing a goat to a needy family somewhere halfway across the world. Heifer.org is one to choose, or if you don't feel like offering livestock to needy families, stick to native soil and donate to KCRW on your partner's behalf.

    Nothing says, “I love you” like a Fringe Benefits card.

    5. Speak. Now before you say this is lame or a cop-out, hear me out.

    People hate being honest. They aren't in tune with their feelings and sure as hell don't want to share them when they're uncomfortable acknowledging them into a mirror. And I don't blame them!

    So if you're one of the fortunate few who've got a Valentine — a real one, not one filling the void until Hallmark starts focusing on St. Patrick's Day — and this particular person makes a true (positive) difference in your life, tell him/her.

    Set the scene. Invite your squeeze over and/or get home first. Clean the place up, make it feel cozy and welcoming. Maybe order from his/her favorite restaurant, open his/her favorite beer. Make it obvious you not only were thinking about your partner today, but have paid attention to the preferences for months.

    And once the glittery tingle passes (she'll especially feel, well…special at the realization you've done such thoughtful things just for her) take a shot or two of tequila, sit down and reveal how you feel.

    You don't have to be Shakespeare and you sure as hell don't have to go the Judy Blume route — even a straightforward “I love you more than In-n-Out Animal Style” will hit with a powerful honesty that'll cause stronger waves of emotion than any Build-A-Bear or heart-shaped cookie could ever.

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