So, these Australian promoters are offering “clubbing tours.” They are bonkers.

The company is called Pilgrimage, and their two week U.S. package takes foreign raver wannabes from L.A. to Las Vegas to New York to Miami, where they will go to dance clubs, pool parties, and private mansions. They'll get VIP treatment, bottle service, all that bullshit.

The cost? $6,600.

The tour starts in L.A. next Friday but, crimony, it's sold out. (Never fear, shorter stints are still available.)

While the idea of living like David Guetta for two weeks sounds fun in theory, this sounds like a horrible idea, a cross-country dance floor endurance test that would inevitably lend itself to any number of regrettable life decisions.

It breaks down like this: Attendees arrive in L.A., and immediately begin partying at the Exchange. The next day, rise and shine because it's time for a day trip to Magic Mountain! (Vomit.)

That night, you'll hit up the Avalon, and then it's off to Las Vegas on a party bus.

The Pilgrimage Party Bus is equipped with bar, dj and your very own dance floor injected with smoke and pulsating with strobes!

We do enjoy some pulsating strobes, but the real party doesn't begin until you get to Vegas.

Las Vegas Is Clubbing On Steroids!

Weird capitalization! But anyway, in Vegas things will get really crazy although, oddly, you'll be arriving to town just after Electric Daisy Carnival ends. In any case, you'll party at the Marquee, the Mirage's topless party Bare and XS.

Then it's time to “prepare yourself mentally and physically for the throbbing dance floors of New York City.” But even though the city never sleeps, it's not just about the nightlife.

…during the day taste the flavours of our cultural and gastronomical activities…

Sounds gross! But anyway, you'll undertake a cocktail making masterclass, and rage at spots like Pacha.

Then it's onto Miami. The copywriter, at this point in the online brochure, seems to realize that anyone who has not yet gone to the clinic for exhaustion or crabs is living on borrowed time.

Be warned! Party Hard, But Party Safe! Miami's cutting edge clubland can consume even the most experienced clubbers.

Credit: Credit: Timothy Norris

Credit: Credit: Timothy Norris

And that's what's so daunting about this “life-changing” clubland trek. The party doesn't ever stop. Even the non-clubbing entertainment options — amusement parks, jet skiing, firing machine guns — are freaking intense.

Multiply a typical weekend trip to Vegas by five. Multiply the likely shame by 10.

We'd even go so far as to say this isn't a real clubland experience. At events like Burning Man, Boom, EDC and on so on, attendees stay in one place rather than galavanting across the country on a damn rave caravan.

Furthermore, those events host tens of thousands of people. On this thing, you're basically stuck with your crew for two whole weeks. That loud-mouthed dudebro from Melbourne? Yeah he's only going to be more annoying after two weeks of deep hangovers and no sleep.

But it sounds like the organizers have considered this. The most important thing, they stress, is to be polite.

… a high level of clubbing etiquette needs to be upheld at all times.

PLUR for sure.

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