In homage to this Sunday's debut of season five of Mad Men on AMC, Squid Ink presents this imaginary brainstorming session among the advertising staff of Sterling Cooper Draper Price.
Roger Sterling: OK, everyone. We have an important new account: Teenee Beanee Luxor Licorice Jelly Beans. What've you got?
Pete Campbell: Teenee Beanee Luxor Licorice Jelly Beans: They may be black, but that doesn't make them inferior. There's a zingy snap in every bite, whether you're black or white.
Roger Sterling: That's clever, Pete, but I'd rather stay away from the whole racial issue. Not sure how I feel about the whole civil rights thing, could be a fad.
Peggy Olson: Teenee Beanee Luxor Licorice Jelly Beans: They're small and they're sweet with a little spice, just like your favorite girl.
Don Draper: [Tosses back the rest of his rye.] Teenee Beanee Luxor Licorice Jelly Beans –The taste fit for kings. Travel back in time to the heart of the Nile Valley when spacious open-air markets presented licorice spice as the ultimate indulgence. Now, this modern treat offers the same irresistible licorice allure treasured by ancient Egyptian pharaohs, prophets and even King Tut.
Peggy Olson: I don't think the pharaohs actually ate jelly beans. In fact, I don't think they had jelly beans back then. Or licorice.
Don Draper: Peggy, you are never going to get anywhere unless you loosen up and start using your imagination. Where did you ever get the idea that advertising was about truth? We're selling dreams, Peggy. Be a doll and go get us some coffee. And get my ex-wife on the phone.
Roger Sterling: Brilliant, Don, absolutely brilliant. Do you think we can get Sammy Davis Jr. to dress up as King Tut and be the spokesman?
The foregoing scene is a work of fiction. However, the licorice jelly bean ad copy spouted by Don Draper is absolutely real, quoted verbatim from the perhaps overly creative minds at Just Born Candy (which also makes Peeps, Hot Tamales and Mike & Ikes). To the inspired ad copy writer for Luxor Licorice Jelly Beans: We tip our stylish '60s fedora to you, Sir (or Ma'am). Now, put down that bong.
Follow Samantha Bonar @samanthabonar.