Dave Shulman |
Hi, there. I want to talk to you about ducts. Do your ducts seem old-fashioned? Out of date? Central Services' new duct designs are now available in hundreds of different colors to suit your individual tastes . . .
—Brazil (1985)
SINCE THE MORONS HAVE TAKEN OVER THE WORLD and will soon destroy it, I've taken to behaving like a man much older than my years. I call it my World War VI defense mechanism: I convince myself, for up to 20 minutes at a time, that I've lived a long, full life, and that I can accept a handful of fascist mutants destroying humanity for economic and/or psychotic faux-religious reasons. Yes, I know I'm supposed to be out buying duct tape and Devo suits, but, as a man much older than my years (for the next 20 minutes), I just can't live like that. You go ahead and survive, you survivalists. Take care of your God-given SUVs, your retirement portfolios and your Four More Years. Is that another bomb I hear? Time for another nap.
Oh, wait; it wasn't a bomb, it was just another . . .
Hey! Hey, joo-boy! Commie joo-boy writer! (Hold 'im down, boys.) Hey, joo-boy! You doan't lahk it hear? Why'n't-choo go on back to . . . to . . . why'n't-choo go on back to . . . to the United States?! We doan't need yer kahnd hear'n New Bushland!
Do you recall the beginning? The first leak? It was sometime near the beginning of 2001. Bush had only been playing president for a few weeks. I was up late, writing, wanking or write-wanking, with Headline News playing in the background. (For the record, not wanking to Headline News.) Apart from the millions of citizens in various states of starvation and death from the ingenious economic sanctions employed to rescue them from their faithful dictator, and Clinton bombing Iraq for four days in '98 to distract us from prime-time blowjob coverage, I hadn't heard much about current events in Iraq.
It was close to 3 a.m. when I felt the trickle of the first leak reach my ears: Some Bush administration official says there's reason — surprise, surprise, surprise! — to believe Saddam Hussein may again be posing a threat with chemical and biological weapons.
WHAHHHHHH! WHAHHHHH! WHAHHH-HAH-HAH-HAAAHHHH!!!
Practically rolling on the floor, I was, and wishing I weren't such an impolite friend as to wake up Brad at 3 a.m. to share the good news. (Brad calls me in the middle of the night every few months to report similar threads in the oligarchaic fabric; I owed him.)
“It's starting!”
“What is?”
“Baby Bush's very first warlord propaganda! CNN just 'reported' that, why, Saddam Hussein quote may have fucking chemical and biological weapons again unquote!”
“Fuck! That's beautiful! What a flawless coincidence!”
“Isn't that perfect? The bombing begins in five minutes.”
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Collateraldamage,
Thank you for agreeing to take part in our End of the Fucking World survey. We the motherfuckers have taken every opportunity to deliver you and your loved ones to Jesus® with the most advanced, fully automated weaponry available. In exchange, Jesus® will retain his seat as Chairman of the Board of America.
After you've completed the survey, please mail promptly in the enclosed postage-paid envelope. Please allow 6 to 8 weeks to receive your $14 rebate coupon, valid at any Exxon/Wal-Mart/Rite Aid.
Remember: There are no right answers, so have fun!
1. Number of family members killed:
a. 1-2
b. 3-5
c. 6+
d. Don't know
2. Gender of family members killed (circle all that apply):
a. Male
b. Female
c. Calvin Klein model
d. Don't know
3. Number of family members employed in the petroleum industry:
a. 1-2
b. 3-5
c. 6+
d. Don't know
4. Reactions expressed by family members in the moments immediately preceding death (circle all that apply):
a. Shock
b. Awe
c. Guilt
d. Incontinence
e. Rapture
f. Mania
g. Changing channels
5. Valediction(s) (circle all that apply):
a. Boy, the way Glenn Miller played . . .
b. I'm so glad we had this time together, just to have a laugh or sing a song.
c. Elizabeth! I'm comin' to join you, honey!
d. FUCK YOU FUCKING CRACKER-ASS
MOTHERFUCKERS!
e. Shit! I must've left the stove on.
f. Dyn-o-MITE!!
IN THE INITIAL DAYS OF LEAKAGE, I ONLY USED TO get mentally ill over the motherfuckers — over their tendency to approach the unmitigated shallows of human thought as if they were the depths, over their brazen and manifold attacks on humanity for petty profits — until the Head Motherfucker started up with his idle Axis of Evil campaign, his Bible says I gets to help end the world for Jesus Oil® bullshit. That's when the illness spread down to the stomach, back up to the mouth and out into the sewer system: If I heard the motherfucker talk for more than, oh, a Daily Show Moment of Zen, my body protested with reverse digestion, volleys of vomit reminiscent of those spewn by Mr. Creosote in The Meaning of Life. (“Better get a bucket.”)
Seems to me — and I'm not saying I'm right, incidentally; I might just be a confused, arrogant, free-thinker type whose tiny little brain was destroyed by reading books other than the Good one and can no longer comprehend the wisdom of Creation Science — but it really does seem that we can make at least one favorable comparison between our cute li'l junior he-man warrior dork and the 20th century's hottest name in Caucasian-style fascism, Adolf Hitler; at this point certainly not in terms of intrinsic evil or of the willful misery generated by each motherfucker's administration, but only in terms of each motherfucker's evangelizing of the following simple equation:
POWER(ETHICS/GREED)FEAR=DEDUCTIBLE BUSINESS EXPENSES
You might disagree. I hope you're right.
* * *
Brazil, where hearts were entertaining June
We stood beneath an amber moon
And softly murmured, “Someday soon”
We kissed and clung together then
Tomorrow was another day
The moonlight found us miles away
With still a million things to say
I will return to old Brazil . . .
REFERENCES:
President George W. Bush Merchandise Store
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