Tinder, man. Tinder. For all the single folks out there, it has largely replaced reading for pleasure and most other hobbies, now occupying roughly 99 percent of all human downtime (guesstimate). You Tinder on the toilet, you Tinder at Grandma's wake, you Tinder anywhere there's a good signal and some time and space to move your hard-won-by-evolution opposable thumb.
You swipe right if you like someone. And of course any good game theorist would tell you that, since there's no cost to swiping right and lots of potential benefit, you might as well just swipe right for everyone. But with all that swiping, you're bound to come upon some duds. A lot of duds. All the same duds, in fact.
Here are the 10 who typically provide the most frustration:
10. The Every Girl / Guy Ever
Just a nice Midwestern (yeah, usually Midwestern) guy / gal, who's just trying to make it in the big city. Their main interests are the garden-variety middling pursuits that have absolutely nothing to do with what makes a good quality human coupling, like a love of pancakes, a beloved Muppet or their favorite color. Every Guy Ever is a little bit athletic and a little bit bookish, he is a fan of his local sports team just enough not to be annoying, and he's just starting to get into this whole craft-beer phenomenon. Every Girl Ever is exactly 50 percent homebody and 50 percent “up for whatever.” They both really love the Beatles and hamburgers with cheese on them. Oh, and bacon.
9. The New Yorker
He/she just just moved here last year for work and wants some seasons, already! The New Yorker can’t find decent bagels, real pizza or any Dunkin Donuts anywhere within a “kajillion mile radius.” They want to know why this place is so spread out! They are looking for someone to show them around and listen to them complain about how L.A. drivers can't handle a little rain. How can you spot a New Yorker? Don’t worry, they’ll let you know.
8. The That’s Not Your Real Age, Come On
Sorry, older folks, you're not fooling anyone. “I'm celebrating my 25th birthday for the 25th year in a row!” doesn't score a single point with the people you're trying to get with. The only thing written into those world-weary lines and those gray locks is that you're a big fat liar. Don't worry, we're all headed there someday, just not now.
Turn the page for more aggravating Tinder-ers, including The Kai.
7. The CHECK OUT MY FUCKING PET!
You're not getting in this girl / boy's pants unless Snuggumaximus Rex approves! This poor creature has been bearing the brunt of its owner's insecurities so long, it doesn't even know whether it's a living being anymore or an emotional doormat. Who rescued who? Probably neither. Dogs and cats don't belong in papooses.
6. The Is That Even a Real Name?
Clearly, these names are made up. No one is legally named Sweet Valley High, or Purplemonkeydishwasher.
5. The Kai
Kai is the white, East Coast alpha hippie who taught himself Cherokee last year to get in touch with his peaceful warrior spirit. He runs a tribal collective and he built his own didgeridoo from wood he found on his most recent solo walkabout. Kai scoffs at veganism because Kai doesn’t eat anything that can be made into a punchline.The one thing Kai loves more than anything else? Talking about Kai.
4. The Goddess of the Playa
She would be your Dark Materiel, your muse, if she could just pull her head out of her own ass. (And let's be honest, she does so much yoga, she's probably getting close to being able to make that happen.) When she's not studying tarot or learning soul magick or whatever, she's just prepping for the next Burn and judging you for being too uptight. She's usually seen with her arms outstretched, marveling at the majesty of whatever it is she's standing in front of, even if it's just her own front yard.
3. The Different Spellings of Brittany
Brittany. It's the name of a place in France and, depending on the spelling, it could go either way in indicating sociocultural origins. Until Tinder, we're sure most people had no idea that it could be spelled so many fucking ways: Britnie, Britni, Bretnnay, Bryttnee, Bryttany, Brittkney, Britnaay, Britianee, Britanny, Britani, Brtne.
Turn the page for the final two Tinder people you meet in hell….
2. The Ridiculous Rules Guy/Girl
“If you don't own a first pressing of Japanese rock phenom Geinoh Yamashirogumi's first record, swipe left immediately,” says the guy version. “If you have more than five tattoos but less than six and you've only brushed your teeth seven times today, move on,” says the lady version. These people obsess over the ridiculous piddly shit that ensures they'll never mate with anyone until science perfects human cloning.
1. The Ex
Oops. It happens. They need some love, too, just not yours. Your ex's photos are your photos, but with your face removed by the Rebound Commisariat. Depending on which direction you swipe, you're entering a world of hurt.
The All Emojis Asshole, The Flake, The I Can't Even, and The You Should Probably See a Doctor About That
Paul T. Bradley on Twitter: Follow @paultbradley