THE IRANIAN-AMERICAN PUNK who provoked — yes, provoked — the taser attack at UCLA should be expelled for momentarily distracting the entire world from more meaningful thoughts. Mostafa Tabatabainejad, a.k.a. Mad Mr. T-14 for short, is a U.S. citizen — so we can only boot him out of school. But he must understand that the last thing the public consciousness can handle is another case of a whiny videotaped wannabe–brutality victim seeking a multimillion-dollar verdict from an embattled public institution.

We want so badly for him to lose, bigtime. Not because Officer Terrence Duren, who needlessly and recklessly tasered him five times, acted like anything closely resembling a responsible cop. Duren, who had been fired from the Long Beach Police Department nearly two decades ago, probably never should have been hired. But we can’t wait to hear the jury chortle when they hear what Mad Mr. T-14 said as officers moved in to arrest him: “Am I the only martyr?”

Ladies and gentlemen, this was not a Martin Luther King Jr. moment at the UCLA library at 11 p.m. on November 14. Mad Mr. T-14 was merely asked to show his ID as part of the security measures to ensure that students were the only people using the library late at night. Big deal if the asshole cop thought he looked like a terrorist.

Another reason he’ll lose his case is because he’s got the King of Bombast representing him. We mistakenly thought Stephen Yagman would be too busy preparing his own defense on a 19-count indictment ringing him up for income-tax evasion, bankruptcy fraud and money laundering to take on Mad Mr. T-14’s case. Steve, seriously, man, we just don’t really care if your client believes he was being singled out because of his Middle Eastern appearance. We don’t want to hear you spin stories about how he faced the trauma of prejudice on Westwood’s mean streets.

Our advice to Mad Mr. T-14: We’ll call off our demands that you be expelled, if you call off all of the campus protests by your idealistic classmates, who are lucky there isn’t a draft. Fire your lawyer — you won’t be needing one anymore — and get back to the library to study up on the role of real martyrs in American history. Also, you might want to get a necklace and place your student ID in plain sight 24/7 for all of the ill-trained, reactionary campus pigs to see.

If I Published It

Henry Kissinger helped kill 4 million Vietnamese, 2 million Cambodians and Laotians, and 58,000 Americans, yet the carnage only spurred sales of his 1979 memoirs. So it’s a little hard to understand the objections to two-time killer O.J. Simpson’s attempt to sell a book about his role in what went down in Brentwood 12 years ago. But now that his book–TV special is dead, we hope Rupert Murdoch considers a series based on the real-life, borderline true-crime annals of Los Angeles’ politicians and leaders, with variations on O.J.’s title, If I Did It.

Consider these barnburners, Rupert:

.?“If I knew it” — Cardinal Roger Mahony comes clean about what he knew, and when he knew it, regarding the 600 cases of molestation involving some 50 clerics reported in the L.A. Archdiocese in the past decade or so.

.?“If I faked it” — Mayor Antonio Fibaraigosa admits to making up key parts of the story of his hard-luck childhood, and says his dad was not an abusive drunk after all, as documented in last Sunday’s L.A. Daily News story by Tony Castro. One element of Mayor Fib’s conversion-to-civility story we’d still like to verify requires tracking down the person who removed the “Born to Raise Hell” tattoo from the mayor’s right arm. We can’t help but wonder if it wasn’t just a mole.

.?“If I harbored it” — Congressman Henry Waxman cops to actually sharing the racist objections of his constituents that led to the federal legislation that helped kill L.A.’s subway program in the mid-1980s.

.?“If I screwed it” — Governor Steroids advances the L.A. Times’ groping stories of 2003, with some help from his shirttail relative Ted Kennedy and a dozen or so legislators to be named later.

.?“If I slept through it” — County Supervisor Yvonne Brathwaite Burke confesses to being in a near-comatose state for the past decade and allowing hundreds of patients to be maimed and killed at “Killer King Hospital,” bringing about the near closure of the only hospital serving the neighborhoods torn asunder in the 1965 Watts riots.

By the way, for you compassionate, liberal-minded latte-sippers blind to the ways of the world, Soul-less Murdoch’s decision to pull the plug on the book–TV special had little to do with heeding the demands of the shrill P.C., victims’-rights crowd. Instead, blame predictions of piss-poor sales and no viewers.

Point-Blank Range

.?Does the L.A. Fire Department have any more of the Tennie Pierce–brand dog-food-laced spaghetti sauce? If so, please send a case to House Speaker-elect Nancy Pelosi to show proper recognition for her failed first week in power. And, Nancy, it tastes better than total crap.

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