Good luck out there on life's eternal highway, Los Angeles. The Automobile Club of Southern California is reporting it expects a 3 percent jump in travelers taking to the road this holiday, compared to 2009.

Could the TSA's pornographic scanning machines — and the “gate rape” alternative — have us spooked into sitting in traffic while perfectly aware our bountiful feast of roast pheasant and yams is going cold and gray at grandmother's?

We must be really spooked, considering gas prices…

are hovering near $3.30 a gallon. The Auto Club also says it expects around 7.2 million of us to take a trip of at least 50 miles or more over Christmas and New Year's, another 3 percent increase (this time in ground covered).

They're not answering their phones, and we're kind of sketched out. How could they possibly know this about us?! We're going to sit in our cold, lonely apartments this Christmas Eve just to prove the Auto Club wrong. Or better yet, show up to LAX in a bikini and pass it off as activism.

That way, we won't even have to begin to worry about all those frightening DUI checkpoints.

Here are some eye-popping statewide numbers for the 2010 holiday, with which the Auto Club will try to impress you:

11.6 million total travelers

10.6 million auto travelers

478,000 airplane passengers

560,000 travelers going by “other means”

Uhhh. Broomstick? Flying carpet? Mary Poppins? Bicycle? Any guesses, dear readers, as to how these supposed half-million “other means” screwballs might be getting around?

LA Weekly