See also: *Our Real Housewives archives

*Russell Armstrong's Real Housewives Suicide: How Will Bravo React?

1. Adrienne Maloof (Last week: 8)

Last night Brandi Glanville dropped a massive bombshell about Adrienne Maloof. Huge. Gargantuan. Off the charts. So major, apparently, that Bravo dare not speak its name.

We kept getting glimpses of it — snippets of conversation and flashes of shocked faces — though edited as not to actually reveal whatever said bombshell was. What in God's name did Brandi say about Adrienne?!?

Despite a fruitless attempt to conceal it, a quick search of the internet revealed that allegedly Brandi accused Adrienne and husband Paul Nassif of using a surrogate, claiming they'd lied about having children naturally.

Now here's the thing. A lot of people would say there's absolutely nothing wrong with surrogacy, and even if the rumor is true, the Maloof/Nassifs should have no reason to hide it. And they may be right. But pregnancy and childbearing are extremely personal matters, and if they wished to keep the details private, they should have the freedom to do so.

But Adrienne wins the Pecking Order this week, by a fucking landslide, because she obviously has so. much. money. and such savvy lawyers that she can actually keep Bravo from airing even a hint of the accusation. Let's not forget this is the same network that aired footage of Russell Armstrong, a man who'd only recently offed himself, despite criticism that the show may have had something to do with his suicide. Last year Camille alleged on camera that Russell abused Taylor, which has yet to ever be technically proven. Plus, even if Brandi's statement isn't true, what difference does that make? Half the shit these Housewives spew isn't true. But clearly those rules don't apply to the Maloofs and their legal team, who must have made mince meat out of Andy Cohen and Co. We can't say we don't relish that idea a little bit.

2. Mauricio Umansky (Last week: not ranked)

Baller!!! Mauricio started his own real estate firm and within one year is already rollin' in it. His interview went something like: “I'm doing like a quarter trillion in business this year, I own a jet, me and Richie Branson are headed to Fiji next week to play golf and my chair at the head of the dining room table is now a throne made of diamonds.” Get that dirt off your shoulders, Maurice.

3. Kyle Richards (Last week: 2)

Because she's married to that. But he's also super hot and really nice. Damn you, Kyle!

4. Lisa Vanderpump (Last week: 5)

Lisa's power comes not really from any internal Housewives politics this week, but instead from the clout she's amassed from getting her own spinoff. The network needs to set it up, of course, so they're giving her extra screen time at SUR, where Vanderpump Rules will take place. And rule with an iron fist, she does. Despite the fact that one of her employees banged Brandi's husband and another pissed off an important client and has an all-around terrible attitude, still no one manages to get fired. Way to crack that whip, L-VP.

Kim Richards' evil laugh; Credit:

Kim Richards' evil laugh; Credit:

5. Kim Richards (Last week: 4)

Kim is still playing puppetmaster to a degree. Should she have told Adrienne and Paul what Brandi said? Maybe, maybe not. Definitely not at Mauricio's fancy event. But Brandi gave Kim the cards, and she played them. There's a certain amount of power in that.

6. Taylor Armstrong (Last week: 7)

For once, (for once!) she's not the one repeating what Brandi said to other people.

Brandi Glanville is pretty sure someone just called her a bitch; Credit:

Brandi Glanville is pretty sure someone just called her a bitch; Credit:

7. Brandi Glanville (Last week: 3)

Well, Brandi's gotten herself in some really hot water. Like, legal hot water, in real life. This is where the reality TV vs. actual reality waters get murky. She did reveal some extremely personal information about someone else without their permission, and that's never cool.

8. Yolanda Foster (Last week: 6)

Yolanda wasn't even in this episode. Not that we cared.

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