It's a wonder no one got a wedge upside the head last night. Seriously.

Brandi Glanville hosted her first Housewives soiree — a wedge shoe party — in hopes of showing the ladies that hanging out with her can be drama-free. Instead it spiraled into kerfuffle of screaming, tears and nipples. You just can't take these girls nowhere, can you?

Brandi's party called for attendees to don wedges, get drunk on Pinot Gris and belly dance, but originally the hostess had a way sluttier theme in mind. She wanted to invite a friend to teach the ladies “how to give BJs and stuff,” which may be our favorite phrase uttered so far this season. Too bad that idea didn't take, because it actually might have helped, had the gals had something to muffle their mouths at this party.

The air was thick with tension emanating between Taylor Armstrong and Camille Grammer for the sins of a few episodes past. Camille took it upon herself to address Taylor's domestic abuse on camera, causing Taylor to fear for her safety.

Despite what Camille claims was several text messages of apology (we'd argue that picking up the phone and actually dialing would be more appropriate in this case), Taylor wasn't ready to forgive. She spent most of the night avoiding Camille's gaze.

This wasn't too hard, considering everyone was staring at Brandi's nipples all night long. Brandi forgot to mention to the girls that proper attire for a wedge party includes a see-through jumpsuit. “My parents were hippies!” Brandi explained in an interview. Oooh, ok, that explains why her kids were peeing in the front yard too, we guess. Makes sense now.

As a joke, Kyle shined a laserbeam on Brandi's laserbeams.; Credit:

As a joke, Kyle shined a laserbeam on Brandi's laserbeams.; Credit:

Quick note — Kim stayed home from this party to do laundry and eat Cheetos. Despite the slurred speech, we're beginning to think she's the smartest one in the bunch.

That freed up a spot for Camille's friend D.D. to attend. Fortunately, Camille slipped D.D. the Housewives handbook on the limo ride over, which states you must get involved in fights that have nothing to do with you while drunk at party. D.D. carried this off like a pro.

D.D. pulled Taylor aside and told her she's being unfair for not accepting Camille's apology. Like moths to the drama flame, suddenly the rest of the Housewives surrounded the pair and starting moving en masse like a human blob of drunken ridiculousness, each screaming at the other to either calm down or back off or leave someone alone. It was the female equivalent of a gang fight, and a total, utter mess.

Best line: Fringe friend Liz's moment of calm in the storm in which she said, “Look at this ocean! It will be here much longer than we will…” This diffused precisely nothing.

Finally Taylor lost it, ensuing meltdown #3 of the season (but who's counting?) during which she lashed out at D.D., saying she has no idea what Camille's done to her and what she's been through.

Right on, Taylor. Frankly, we side with her on this one. Camille had no right to say what she said on camera, nor did D.D. have any business trying to force a reconciliation.

Brandi didn't see it that way though, and asked Taylor to leave — an act that even in the moment seemed unfair. We can only imagine she regrets that now, as we're sure Camille regrets spilling the abuse beans and D.D. regrets unleashing on a woman in the midst of leaving an abusive marriage.

Like the classy woman she is (when she's not having fits in public) Taylor picked up her Gucci bag and left with Kyle in tow. She then proceeded to have a nic fit and freak out on the limo driver, screaming at him to pull over and get her a light. In some bizarre way, this was the most normal we've ever seen Taylor. After fighting off a gaggle of Botoxed blondes, sometimes a gal just needs a cigarette.

Follow Ali Trachta on Twitter at @MySo_CalLife and for more arts news follow @LAWeeklyArts.

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