Let us make clear from the outset that you, Common Person, cannot go. This event is only for celebrities and their hangers-on (aka “plus ones”). Members of the hoi polloi, the riff raff, the masses or the Occupy Movement best not show up.

Nine Zero One Salon in West Hollywood is hosting a two-day (January 13-14) Wella Beauty Bar before the Golden Globes where fancy people can get elaborate braids, manicures, hair trims, blowouts, makeup applications, spray tans and various spa services while they enjoy cake-flavored vodka cocktails and twee little snacks — all gratis. Wouldn't Marie Antoinette have loved it if she could have quipped, “Let them drink cake!”? (Ricky Gervais probably not so much, though.)

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association will host the 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards on Sunday, January 15 at the Beverly Hilton Hotel. It will be televised live on NBC at 5 p.m. West Coast time with Ricky at the helm.

The “exclusive indulgence retreat” is being catered by Little Next Door, which offered a sneak peak of the menu:

Apple endive salad

Smoked salmon & crème fraiche & dill on brioche toast

Mini quiche Lorraine

Assorted deviled eggs

Brie & fig sandwich on walnut & raisin bread

Fruit platter

Vegetable crudite with tzaziki & black olive tapenade

High tea sandwiches (mini assorted)

(And you just know, since actresses are going to this thing, that none of that yummy stuff is actually going to get eaten. Or if it is eaten, not properly digested.)

UV Vodka is supplying the booze. Cocktails to be served include the Pink Squirrel (UV 80, pink lemonade and grenadine), Cosmopolitans, and four cake-flavored vodka concoctions: the Cake 'N Cola (UV Cake and Coke), Cake Float (UV Cake and root beer), Pineapple Upside Down Cake (UV Cake and pineapple juice) and Cake Kiss (UV Cake and Champagne). (UV also makes espresso-, coconut- and sweet green tea-flavored vodkas and does not protect against UV rays.)

Guests can also take a “What's Your Dating TrimStyle?” quiz to find out how their hair trim style aligns with their dating style. (Note: We suggest you take the quiz AFTER a few cocktails, but get your hair trimmed BEFORE a few cocktails; that is, if you could go. Sorry, Cinderella!)

But hey, would you feel better if you could knot yourself a sloppy French braid, mix up the cocktails at home and pretend you're someone important? Here are a couple recipes (both from the UV website):

The Cake 'N Cola

Makes: 1 drink

1 part UV Cake

3 parts cola

1. Serve over ice in a highball glass.

The Cake Float

Makes: 1 drink

1 part UV Cake

2 parts root beer

1. Serve over ice.

Cheers, peasants!

Follow Samantha Bonar @samanthabonar.

LA Weekly