Actual comments from the NHL broadcasting booth, proving, once
again, that hockey is the most macho of sports
“Cheechoo had both hands on his stick and was just jamming.”
“Mike Ricci was surprised and couldnt get his stick on
“When he gets that puck on his stick, hes thinking of
putting it just one place.”
“The shaft of Kiprusoffs stick was wedged between his
“Jason Marshall got his stick in before he fell down and
“Domi poked Marcus Ragnarrson with his stick.”
“Primeau went into the middle of the ice with his stick
“Loose puck picked up as it went off Stillmans stick.”
“Mike Rathje caught him with his stick as he was going
“Willie Niemenen with some tremendous stick work!”
“What can I say? Im Curious George . . .”
Judd Nelson, after I discovered that hed dumped out
my purse while Id gone to retrieve fresh batteries and was examining the
“No, I havent read the article yet. But friends of mine
Julie Kavner, at the end of two screechy, expletive-laced
telephone calls from her complaining about a flattering magazine profile Id
written about her
An extended middle finger.
Shannen Doherty, informing me how she will signal to
me that I can talk to her . . . after keeping me waiting two days for an interview
on the set of Satans School for Girls in Montreal, Canada
“Ah nevah discuss such unpleasantness!”
a hissing Dixie Carter, when asked to elaborate on her
repeated references to “the unpleasantness” surrounding her Designing
Women co-star Delta Burke
“Ah ink Ort Uts and Anya On Orty Econ Eet ave e ar istic
Julianne Moore, answering a question while flossing
“It never OCCURRED TO ME FOR A SECOND. I mean, how TRIVIAL,
how FACILE. That one is only for the most facile mind. What would a drag queen
tell me about GARLAND? Hows that going to help me as an ACTRESS? No. No. The
answer is NO.”
an irritated Judy Davis, when asked if shed watched
Garland -impersonators as part of her research for the TV movie Life With
Judy Garland: Me And My Shadows
“I have to go now. I have a really bad case of the flu.”
Scarlett Johanssen, after speaking to me for 15 minutes
while inexplicably holding my hands in her hands
“Thats a real smart-alecky magazine you work for . . . Thats
a -stupid question.”
Lyle Lovett, when he wasnt furiously scowling or not
answering questions altogether
“Yes, that is a rifle.”
By Kerry Madden
1. When you arrive and the first thing you see is a beaming portrait
of Laura and W on their fridge next to a schedule of Masses at the Mission,
look away, smile brightly and remember the deep breathing you learned in yoga.
When no one is looking, cover with the kids new school pictures.
2. When your mother tells you the thing she really admires and
finds so clever about Bill OReilly is that you cant tell what he is a Democrat,
a Republican, a Liberal keep the chopping knife steady, focus on the onions
and garlic or the gentle rolling of pie dough. Do not make eye contact.
3. When your father screams, “Just because Osama bin Laden
rides a camel doesnt mean I have to . . . ,” jot down notes for new play
4. When you notice parents library consists of Who Moved My
Cheese?; How To Talk to a Liberal; Deliver Us From Evil: Defeating
Terrorism, Despotism, and Liberalism; and every one of OReillys books,
do not engage in a lively discussion of literature. Go to box wine; drink liberally.
5. When your father says, “All Muslims hate us” and
“Strike them before they strike us” or “Its the insurgents killing
the Iraqi people, not the American soldiers!” or “You swinging Liberals,
its all the same with you! You live in a vacuum!,” remember when he didnt
used to be this way, when all he cared about was being a football coach and
kicking Notre Dames Irish ass. Smile brightly (again) and top yourself up at
the wine box.
6. When buzzwords like “vouchers,” “accountability”
and “all that wasted, dead talent from aborted babies” zing through
the air, go check your e-mail. Or fantasize about Benicio Del Toro and wonder
what he is doing for the holidays.
7. If your mother asks you to take both Labradors to church for
a “blessing of the animals” by Father Malloy, say yes. Dont forget
8. When the talk turns to politics during dinner, say, “How
about that Boston Babe Ruth curse lifting?” or “Anyone see Ray
yet?” If that fails, turn up Frank Sinatra CD. Loud.
9. When the talk turns to politics over dessert, do not threaten
to leave early if it doesnt stop. Dont have a breakdown and scream, “WHEN
DID THIS HAPPEN?!!” Just dont. After all, its the holidays.
By Flint Wainess and Anna Jane Grossman
1. The Hugh Grant. If youre dating someone truly fabulous,
like Elizabeth Hurley, but still want to end the relationship, youre going
to have to do something really dramatic. Sleeping with a hooker can be ideal.
Of course, this must be planned carefully, since you not only must find and
court a hooker, but you must also get caught in the act. And if youre not a
successful film and television actor, your employer may frown on such behavior,
or may ask for the hookers number.
2. The Anne Heche. The most difficult part of a breakup
can be trying to remain friends. If thats what youre after, sample The Anne
Heche. Its simple: Tell your lover, “Youre great, but Im not attracted
to your gender anymore.” They cant help but tell you its okay if youre
gay, or straight, or whatever, and remain friends through this confusing process.
The Anne Heche, Version 2: “Its not you, its . . . these crazy voices
in my head.”
3. The Billy Crudup. Step one: Get married. Step two: Knock
her up. Step three: Fall in love with co-star of latest poorly thought-out indie
pic. Step four: Wait until wife is about to go into labor. Step five: Run, run,
run! Amazingly, the baby might be named after you anyway.
4. The Mrs. Jerry Seinfeld. In the entertainment industry,
you can never be too skinny or too rich. So, if you feel that your current spouse
or lover doesnt have a big-enough bank account, all you need to do is tell
them you are leaving them for someone richer. Theyll understand, since they
would do the same to you. If you live near the creator of Desperate Housewives,
look out. Hes coming for your woman.
5. The Michael Eisner. Men break up too, dammit, and when
they do, theres no better way to say “Goodbye, dont ever call again”
than butt-loads of cash. Sure, your ex will still feel the sting of the breakup,
and will later accuse you and the “gay mafia” of ruining his chances
at future relationships. But then hell remember the money, the beautiful, beautiful
money (mmmm money), and hell get over you.
6. The Kirsten Dunst. You want out of your relationship,
but your boyfriend is, like, totally dreamy and smart and the star of such films
as Donnie Darko and The Day After Tomorrow (and the inevitable
sequel, Two Days After Tomorrow). So unless you have a good reason for
breaking it off, people might begin to question whether youre sleeping with
Tobey Maguire. Fortunately, youve found that good reason. Its called excessive
drinking and dancing like a moronic teenager. Party the night away, every night,
on Hollywood Boulevard, and then tell the world that Mr. Likes To Stay Home
and Read cant keep up with your booty-shaking.
7. The Britney Spilton. So youre incredibly wealthy white
trash, and you need to shake off that annoying boyfriend/backup dancer. Oh,
do we have an unconventional breakup method for you: Marry the loser! Ideally,
this should happen in Las Vegas, and you should wear a trucker hat during the
ceremony. After a night of raucous, unsafe sex What the hey! Youre married!
announce that you must get an annulment because your people dont approve
of you marrying while sloshed. “Its not you, its . . . my publicist.”
After the annulment, youll never see that deadbeat again.
8. The Phil Spector. Not recommended.
1. Canada. Gay marriage, no language difficulties (certain
voo-wels excepted), universal health care and the first union-approved Wal-Mart
on the planet. Go to singles Web site www.marryanamerican.ca/
and get hitched to a progressive Canuck today.
2. Mexico. Barring the repeal of NAFTA or catastrophic
climate change on the scale of The Day After Tomorrow, our southern neighbors
border remains open, so long as you make $1,500 a month or can invest $160,000
in the local economy. You still cant own beachfront property in your own name,
but hey, Yanqui, there are always ways around that.
3. Belize. Call it the Costa Rica of the 00s. Under a
recently introduced gringo residency program, you can live out the rest of your
days in this tax haven without a hitch, just so long as you generate $24,000
a year in outside income and dont mind sharing the beach with the IRSs Most
4. Australia. The Land Down Under ranked second on the
U.N.s 2001 Human Development index, offers universal health care and allows
citizenship after only two years of residency. So what if it just re-elected
ultraconservative PM John Howard? Go ahead and throw another American passport
on the barbie.
5. Bhutan. Southeast Asias answer to Santa Monica, this
Buddhist kingdom guides its policy by a Gross National Happiness index, bans
cigarettes and most logging, allows only 6,000 tourists a year, designates archery
its national sport, and requires all its male citizens to wear bathrobes. The
only downside is the $200-a-day accommodations package.
6. France. Dont believe the anti-Semitism-tolerating surrender-monkey
hype. The number of hate crimes in France actually decreased last year, and
the French Foreign Legion is still seeking U.S. recruits with shady pasts, no
7. Thailand. Youll need to make frequent visa runs, and
to safely buy property youll have to form a limited-liability corporation or
marry a Thai. Still, polls indicate the Land of Smiles has the second highest
number of holidays on the planet and the highest rate of sexual satisfaction.
And thats just among locals.
8. Palau. Under a Compact of Free Association, this South
Pacific scuba mecca has no political parties or leaders, and welcomes our countrys
nuclear subs and pacifist citizens equally. Read writer Stephen Elliotts digital
postcards from self-imposed exile: www.stephenelliott.com.
We twist words, then they twist us. For example, 2004 marked the
100th anniversary of empathy, a word that, like many others, has spun
into a meaning not originally intended a nearly opposite meaning, in fact.
The coiner was even an opposite: a woman, Violet Paget, writing
under a mans name (Vernon Lee). Paget was thinking about whether, when we perceive
an object, the object itself is the significant factor, or if our own way of
seeing it dominates the process. Among other philosophers in the late 19th century,
Immanuel Kant figured that we ourselves bring ugliness or beauty to a thing
by projecting our own frameworks. Paget expressed this by translating the German
Einfühlung (one-feeling) as empathy, drawn from the Greek
So empathy originally connoted solipsism; we show empathy
when we invest objects or people with our own experience. Today, though, the
American Heritage Dictionarys first definition is “identification with
and understanding of anothers situation, feelings and motives” its
the other guy who motivates us.
In numerous instances this year, the Bush administrations propagandists
altered words meanings to advance political goals. Its a skill.
FREEDOM Freedom is what we want, the world wants, the Iraqi
people want. Too bad: In order to give people freedom, we have to take away
their freedom by making ourselves at home in their country, say, or by passing
the Patriot Act.
DEMOCRACY The dictionary says democracy is “government
by the people” and “majority rule,” but such definitions were
of little interest to George W. or Jeb during the 2000 presidential election.
Since democracy is a positive buzzword, though, it comes in handy when
colonizing a strategic and industrial target, even if a democracy already exists
there. (Flashback: In the 1980s, W.s father, then vice president, was instrumental
in hiring “freedom fighters” to attempt overthrow of the democratic,
though not democratically elected, Nicaraguan government of Daniel Ortega, who
was later voted out of office.) Dont forget, when you stage a “democratic
election” with a pre-anointed candidate in an invaded nation, you have
to make sure that the friendliest segment of the population will be the only
portion allowed to vote.
TYRANT Previously, of course, Iraq did not have a real
democracy; it had a “brutal tyrant.” The dictionary defines tyrant
as “an absolute ruler who governs without restrictions” the kind
of leader more desirable in some situations, obviously, than in others.
VICTORY In order to attain freedom and democracy, we had
to achieve military victory “mission accomplished.” No doubt victory
in the War on Terror is similarly inevitable.
BLITZKRIEG The Bush media eagles chose the same word to
describe the invasion of Iraq that Goebbels chose to describe Germanys 1939
methodology in Poland. Blitz is a flash, as of lightning; Krieg,
or “war,” derives from an Old High German word meaning stubbornness.
COALITION We couldnt have done it without our “coalition,”
including, Bush emphasized repeatedly during the 2004 presidential debates,
Poland. The United States has provided over 90 percent of the occupying troops
and nearly all the money.
INSURGENTS An insurgent is “one who revolts against
civil authority.” Such authority being . . . ?
CORRUPTION At the recent Asia-Pacific Economic Forum in
Santiago, Chile, Bush said the USA would be ready to help any nation that was
willing to resist “corruption.” At the time, his partys majority
leader, Tom DeLay, was under threat of prosecution for illegal campaign contributions,
and the Republicans had disabled a regulation that would have prevented DeLay
from serving if indicted.
EMPATHY It would appear that in one instance only, that
of the word empathy, the current administration has held fast to the
original meaning: attributing to others ones own feelings, rather than understanding
others situation. If youre looking to Bushites for more fundamental definitions,
though, youll still find that war is peace, freedom is slavery, and ignorance
1. National Guard celebrates Bush election victory by strafing
a New Jersey intermediate school.
2. Donald Rumsfeld begins signing Iraq-war condolence letters
with an Autopen.
3. Taco Bell TV ads use Cuban revolutionary anthem “Guantanamera.”
4. White House declares war on salmon by rolling back protected
habitats in California and Pacific Northwest.
5. Congressional Republicans change party rule barring indicted
members from leadership roles, allowing Tom DeLay to continue as House majority
leader while under criminal investigation in Texas.
6. The White House admits that the presidents plan to bankrupt
America by privatizing Social Security could cost taxpayers at least $1 trillion.
7. Congress passes intelligence bill that will create an all-powerful
spy czar, institute national ID cards and expand federal wiretapping activities.
8. Following an NPR exposé, the Department of Homeland
Security says it will stop the use of attack dogs to harass detainees in its
immigrant holding centers but not right away.
9. Congress takes back $1 billion from the Childrens Health Insurance
Program, removing 200,000 low-income children from coverage.
10. Congressman Henry Waxman reveals that American teens are told
by federally funded abstinence-only sex-ed programs that, among other things,
a 43-day fetus is a thinking person, that women who have had an abortion are
more prone to suicide and that condoms fail to prevent HIV infection a third
of the time during straight sex.
1113. Philadelphia cops handcuff and arrest a 10-year-old girl
for bringing scissors to school, while a Florida cop shoots an uncooperative
6-year-old with a 50,000-volt Taser. At LAX a 78-year-old man is Tasered while
arguing with airport cops after his car has been impounded.
1. Nicolas Cage. Hed be less creepy if he werent trying
so hard to look happy/sad/angry or creepy.
2. Michael Eisner. Something about him is just so creepy.
3. Michael Ovitz. Something about him is just so creepy.
4. John Travolta. Its not clear whether he knows who he
is, and thats creepy.
5. Jennifer Love Hewitt. Proof you can be pretty and still
6. Catherine Zeta-Jones. Look away from the phone ads!
Yikes, shes creepy.
7. Snoop Dogg. When he sneers its creepy, but when he
smiles its still creepy.
8. Paris Hilton. Id feel sorry for her except shes creepy.
You were at McDonalds and I working the drive through
You blessed me on the train
You: girl by your pool in manhattan beach. I was on the 747
that flew over
You were that girl at Coffee Bean that one time or was it
In the mosh pit at the POND
You brought me bacon 11/26/04
I grabbed your boobs on Sunset
Sparks flew as I was shoved into a Grand Cherokee
You layed on me twice and gave me fake numbers
I dont know why I still dream about you
I wish we would have
You robbed me of my innocence, and . . .
You really hurt my feelings
We couldve fucked, but you got hit by a car
I ODd on love when I saw you OD at my party
“Making out with you killed my dog”
Andrew . . . I am wondering . . . cause the way u looking
at me, r u gay?
Looking for WOLF, painter of marine life
A “smiley” nachos-eating canadian
Pablo and his tamales at the 99 Cent Store
To the HORROR who slept with my man the other night
You: deer, me: guy in car
My neighbor with his snooze button
Russian man who translated an entire movie to his wife
Dear Mr. Peepers from across the street
Balcony masturbator on Fuller near Runyon Cyn.
To be perused with coffee before venturing out into the world
of insanely tilted corp-media blare
Most comprehensive spot for free thinking on the Web
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Vanity Fair guy in open space
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