Something's just not right.

I'm scouring Craigslist's Missed Connections and I'm on the third page. I haven't found one creepy, skeezy or rape-whistle-worthy post. What gives, guys?

How am I supposed to judge whether or not the chick should let him tug on her nipples, bite her feet, or follow her into Staple's? Or describe his chest hair in detail so he knows it's truly her, and not a prankster?

Instead, I've come across too many sincerely saccharine posts, and I'm starting to wonder if something's got into the water.

I'm going to LA today – m4w – 35

Date: 2010-04-02, 9:55AM PDT

Any little excuse for me to revisit our time together is enough for me to make the trip. I always told you I'd come to see you anytime, and now I find myself driving down for myself, as you seem to have gone away. Too bad, I miss you. Guess this is going to be another of those times I have to try to be happy just to be in the same town as you.

Yeesh. Bitch, call the guy to at least tell him to stop coming. I hope he gets good gas mileage.

mellygirl79 – m4w – 34 (north of you)

Date: 2010-04-01, 9:43AM PDT

hello melly girl, this is a blatent shot in the dark but I read about you and liked what I read, thought I would try this approach. You, attractive, maybe a quick dry wit, music lover , intelligent, somewhat patient, poignant, ocd in a good way. I would like to chat with you I think we would get along,

None of those compliments were physical!?? What about her big tits, tight jeans and bangin' bod? Chivalry really is dead.

Blonde female employee at 3rd St Promenade American Eagle- m4w – 21 (Santa Monica (American Eagle))

Date: 2010-03-28, 3:52PM PDT

I think you are the most beautiful girl I have ever laid eyes on. You were very helpful to me and I wish I wouldve had the guts to ask you out or something.

Good god. Aside from the fact that he's shopping at American Eagle (meh, he's 21…let him graduate from SMC first) this M4W shows promise. He spelled “blond” with an “e” and referred to her as a female – no one does that in this city.

moo-ed at (and later beat off to) last night? Just tell her you'd like to check her tire pressure and she'll come running. ‘Cuz it's worked every other time, right?

Francesco Marino.

LA Weekly