After a spring summit with L.A.'s top club promoters, we have some exclusive scoop to share that may very well change the culture of clubbing as we know it. You won't read this anywhere else, folks! Starting this Friday, April 1, the following changes will occur at clubs around town:

1) Bottle service will be abolished! Seating inside clubs will actually be given to cool people or those willing to come out early to the venue.

2) The two-girls-for-every-douchey-dude entry rule at the door will be switched to two-(hot)-guys-for-every-girl.

3) New dress code restrictions: no Snooki Lycra dresses or cubic zirconia.

4) Drag queens! Every club must have one (or more).

5) Drinks over $12 come with a voucher for a free bacon-wrapped hot dog when you leave the club.

6) All DJs must pass a written music-history exam and laptop music-library inspection (no seminal soul, dance, funk, rock acts in the cache — sampled ones don't count! — no gig). …

April Fool's!

OK, so none of the above is actually happening any time soon, but wouldn't it be wonderful if at least a couple of 'em did? What kind of foolin' and after-dark shenanigans are actually going down this Friday and the week that follows? Read on.

Friday, April 1

The cutie-booties at Hang the DJs and Club Underground often overlap, so coming together (or facing off, as it were) makes for a natural mesh and party refresh. Some of the best indie, Brit pop, post-punk, electro, hip-hop, '90s jams, disco and soul deckheads in town will spin on both sides: Underground's Larry G (aka Supergrass) with Clifton Weaver (Funky Soul) and Diana Barraza vs. Hang the DJs' Dan (Cosmic Kids), Mario Cotto (KCRW), Sara Tea (Indie 103.1) and Heavy Accents (Dim Mak). Live performances by Love Grenades and Odd Modern. Echoplex, 1154 Glendale Blvd., Echo Park; 18-plus.

Grammy-nominated DJ/producer Wolfgang Gartner's mind- (and body-) blowing beats are no joke. His name is a different story. The California-bred DJ was born Joey Youngman but created the Gartner persona in late 2007 after dramatically altering his style and sound, going from deep house to the hard-hitting electro-house he's currently lauded for. The Wolfie moniker does seem to better evoke the more exotic, Euro-flavored textures and techno techniques of this fiercest of floor shakers. See for yourself on Friday at Control. 1735 Vine St.;

Saturday, April 2

With competition around town heating up, looks like Avalon is playing hard (house) ball, bill-wise. Saturday's Avaland offers Cedric Gervais, fresh off Ultra Music Festival and Miami Music Week. Gervais' latest is called “Miamication,” and the French-bred, Miami-based DJ will bring it to L.A. with signature sexy, vocal-heavy track attacks that you don't have to be a beach babe to appreciate. 1735 Vine St.;

Sunday, April 3

A rite of spring and (hopefully) a kickoff to warmer days ahead, Culprit Sessions' afternoon gatherings on downtown's Standard Hotel rooftop are always a splash. This week the season begins on a high with Steve Bug. The Ibiza vet and label head (Poker Flat) is known for pushing boundaries and melding electronic music's past and present — everything from classic house to experimental techno — as heard on his label's latest, Forward to the Past. Also featuring Culprit label founders Droog on the decks. 550 Flower St., dwntwn.; 1-8 p.m., $10 before 4 p.m., $20 after; RSVP to

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