See also:

*What The Hell Is Backstreet Boys' “I Want It That Way” About? UPDATE: Mind-blowing Shit Has Come To Light

*Color Me Badd Lyrical Dissection: What Does “We Can Do It 'til We Both Wake Up” Mean?

It's truly impossible to tally the changes the record industry has undergone in the past decade. But one thing is clear. The floodgates have been opened for no-talent assclowns seeking fame. Can someone please explain how Rebecca Black can really make waves with a song like “Friday“?

Well, actually, Rebecca Black is just a modern age LFO. And the only difference between the two is that rather than being cast off into viral-video infamy like Miss Black, back in 1999 these three Massachusetts boys with bad bleach jobs found themselves with a Top 5 hit in “Summer Girls” — an absurd, moronic bubblegum pop song.

As such, we needed to take a closer look at the lyrics and see what these dudes knew about making hit records that apparently we were too blind to see.

Yeah … I like it when the girls stop by … in the summer

Do you remember, do you remember?

… when we met …that summer??

The song starts off fairly simply. And we totally get where they are headed with this little ditty. We also like when girls drop by for the summer. Carry on, gents.

New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits

Chinese food makes me sick

And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer

Sure, New Kids on the Block did have a bunch of hits. And really, a heaping helping of Kung Pao Chicken often does require a side dose of Pepto Bismol for us as well. Things are starting to get confusing, though. How do these keen observations relate to girls dropping by for the summer?

I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch

I'd take her if I had one wish

But she's been gone since that summer

Since that summer

Men in their mid-20s — as LFO were at the time they recorded this song — preying on Abercrombie and Fitch-wearing girls — who tend to be in high school — is just downright creepy.

Hip Hop, marmalade, Spic and Span

Met you one summer and it all began

You're the best girl that I ever did see

The great Larry Bird Jersey 33

When you take a sip you buzz like a hornet

Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets

Things start to go off the rails here. We're starting to get utterly confused about this whole relationship with this summer girl. Please try and explain to us even just one similarity between a white boy from French Lick, Indiana named Larry Bird and William Shakespeare (whom the late Rich Cronin apparently knows on a first-name basis as “Billy”). They're both white dudes?

Call me Willy Whistle cause I can't speak baby

Something in your eyes went and drove me crazy

Now I can't forget you and it makes me mad

Left one day and never came back

Stayed all summer then went back home

Macaulay Culkin wasn't Home Alone

Fell deep in love, but now we ain't speaking

Michael J. Fox was Alex P. Keaton

When I met you I said my name was Rich

You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch

Producer: Okay, guys. For the lyrics let's try and veer away from inserting any random Trivial Pursuit answer that pops into your head and get back to writing an pop song with actual substance.

LFO: Hmm … how about if we slyly reference Macaulay Culkin and Michael J. Fox instead?

Producer: [silence]

Rich Cronin: Hold up a minute. Just hear me out. We'll casually slink our way back into that whole “summer girl love story” theme. But, don't worry. We'll make sure to show our chivalrous side by explaining that I at least introduced myself to this lucky lady by my real name and didn't use my go-to pseudonym “Stanley” (which can't be traced back to a Massachusetts sex offenders' list).

Producer: [silence]

Cherry Pez, Cold Crush, rock star boogie

Used to hate school so I had to play hooky

Always been hip to the B-boy Style

Known to act wild and make girls smile

Love New Edition and the Candy Girl

Remind me of you because you rock my world

You come from Georgia where the peaches grow

They drink lemonade and speak real slow

Guys, you should probably stop referencing early hip-hop and R&B culture. These summer girls weren't even alive then.

You love hip hop and rock 'n' roll

Dad took off when you were 4 years old

There was a good man named Paul Revere

I feel much better baby when you're near

You love Fun Dip and Cherry Coke,

I like the way you laugh when I tell a joke

When I met you I said my name was Rich

You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch

Who drinks Cherry Coke anymore? Or even did in 1999? And how can this girl possibly laugh at their jokes? Oh, wait, we decided she's in high school. No self-respecting woman LFO's own age would go for this shit.

In the summertime girls got it going on

Shake and wiggle to a hip hop song

Summertime girls are the kind I like

I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike

Steal your bike? So they're bullies, too.

Boogalo Shrimp and pogo sticks

My mind takes me back there oh so quick

Let you off the hook like my man Mr. Limpet

Think about that summer and I bug, cause I miss it

Like The Color Purple, macaroni and cheese,

Ruby red slippers and a bunch of trees

Call you up but what's the use

I like Kevin Bacon, but I hate Footloose

Came in the door I said it before, I think I'm over you

but I'm really not sure

When I met you I said my name was Rich

You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch

This is truly extraordinary. A 1964 animated fish who helped destroy Nazi submarines, a comparison of Oprah's movie about slavery and macaroni and cheese, and a reference to Eric B. and Rakim, all in the same verse? Christ. And Boogalo Shrimp? He's probably ashamed to be name checked in your song. And crap, your demographic has NO idea what you're talking about, Gramps.

Conclusion: Our lyrical dissection of LFO's “Summer Girls” left us with a brutal case of vertigo and worse cramps than usually occur as a result of gorging on Chinese food, to which LFO can surely relate. How did this song become popular? Because underage girls like Abercrombie and Fitch?

We'll be listening to “Friday” on repeat for several hours now as a form of detox.

LA Weekly