And here I sit wearing sunglasses the size of dinner plates and sucking/nibbling on a banana because some guy on Twitter told me potassium prevents your brain from exploding. (Or something like that…it's hard to read that shit with these shades on.)


Though you might not envy the puffy slits that are my eyes (if you haven't fallen into the gutter yet with that comment then please just give up now) you sure as hell should be jealous that you weren't at Bardot last night to celebrate the launch of this here sex site.

That's right. AfterDarkLA.com is fucking official, so yeah….bookmark it.


Bardot is a sexy bar that used to be a dark and dank spot I used to frequent back in the day (ahem, like 2004) when random rockers like Rod Stewart would stow away in shadowed corners and get lap dances from hair-band groupies. Yeah, I witnessed that.


But anywho back to me.


LA Weekly put on one hell of a bash to celebrate this new site, and the boudoir-themed club was packed to the gills with honestly the most random array of humans I've ever seen in one room. Snoop Dogg posse peeps; slick-haired hipsters who may or may not have showered for the occasion; dolled up porn stars both with and without stunt cocks by their sides.


But one thing we all had in common: full drinks courtesy of the full (free) bar.


Folks who weren't afraid to eat snacked on Kobe beef sliders, dates wrapped in bacon, crostini with something red on it – at that point it didn't matter what it was; into my mouth it went.

(Hope that gutter's comfortable.)

Photographers and video cameras roamed the venue catching models and wannabes sipping each other's drinks and smoking both regular and extra-fancy tobacco products on the outdoor patio. And on every table sat a gift bag full of vibrators, trinkets and ticklers from some of the adult industry's finest pleasure providers.


Bluebird Films makes porn professionally and you'd better believe I took home more than one copy of their DVD to give the valet an extra-special tip. (But that fancy Swedish vibrator I got from LELO was mine, so back off.)


And while I performed “research” with a colleague in a backlit corner of the atrium patio, two petite blonds sporting red cheerleader-esque outfits roamed Bardot holding trays of Screaming O vibrating cockrings (score). They were like old-school cigarette girls only more fuckable.

So now I'm just waiting anxiously to see the photos from last night to make sure you can't see up (or down) my dress in too many pics, and also hoping this fucking banana makes the sun stop hurting.

Whatever, I have a lot of sex to write about anyhow cuz a lot happens when the lights turn off, and I live in a perpetual state of After Dark.

Get ready bitches.

LA Weekly