Bars are loud, raucous places filled with people having good times. For this reason, it's easy to forget they are also businesses, and in order for businesses to survive they must make money. Businesses must not be shut down by the police for illegal activities. Businesses must remain sanitary and the people who work in businesses must not go insane and throw everyone out, bar the doors, and call it a night. For good.
After the jump, please find a handy list of proper bar etiquette tips to ensure that your favorite local stays open come hell or high water.
1. Don't assume your drinks are comped. This goes for friends, family and press. This goes for you on your birthday, and you who work down the street. If you're a celebrity, that doesn't mean your drinks are comped. If you're a beautiful girl or a hot guy, don't assume your drinks are comped.
2. Do not grab your cocktail waitress. Anywhere. Not on the arm. Not around the waist. Not even in a strip club.
3. Do not reach over the bar and grab your own olive out of the garnish tray. Don't grab your own cherry. No grabbing.
4. Do not high-five your friends every time a round is brought to your table. This isn't so much a “rule” as something it'd be nice to stop. Like permanently.
5. Do not yell “Freebird” when the pianist asks for requests.
6. Do not ask for the drink that will “Get you the most fucked up.” You will be asked to leave. And you'll be sober. You don't really want either one.
7. Do not walk into a bar and immediately ask for the owner because they're “your friend.” Especially when you get your “friend's” name wrong.
8. Don't rearrange the furniture. You can be pretty certain there are chairs at a table because that's where people sit. If you need extra seating, ask.
9. Do not send your drinks back because they “don't taste the way you had it at ___. Do you send your steak/chicken/pasta/chopped salad back when it doesn't taste just like Cut/Zankou/Mozza/The Ivy's? By all means, if the thing tastes bad, back it should go, but different?
10. Do not snort cocaine at your table. It's not the '80s any more.
Feel free to cut out this list and keep folded in your wallet for a quick and handy reference.