Thinking about cheating? Your little pocket pal wants nothing more than to encourage, aid and abet you in your unquenchable thirst for fulfillment. Downloading these apps won’t make your life any less complicated (in fact, they’re likely to do just the opposite), but come off it: Simplicity isn’t what you’re after. The important thing is that you’ll get a few fleeting moments of pleasure, and that’s always a lot more fun than taking the long view, isn’t it?
When You Need: A rationale
Download: the Sexulator, a calendar app that helps you angrily track all of the sex you’re not getting from your mate. Bonus: Should you have a change of heart and decide to try for a last-ditch, marriage-saving baby, the Sexulator also is useful for couples trying to conceive.
When You Need: A confidence boost
Download: the Passion app, which uses your iPhone’s mic and accelerometer to measure how loud and jiggly you get when you’re getting jiggy. It’s a simple matter to fool the thing with a bunch of screaming and shaking, but a series of perfect 10s in the app’s rating categories — duration, activity and orgasm — do make for good résumé padding. And if you feel your long-term partner is lackluster in the sack, a low Passion app score will provide you with the hard data to prove that you’re completely justified in seeking satisfaction elsewhere.
When You Need: A partner
Download: Ashley Madison Mobile, the iPhone version of the famed two-timers’ dating service that’s tailor-made to throw the family-values crowd into an orgy of hand-wringing. If their chipper “Life is short, have an affair” motto and polished TV commercials aren’t enough to green-light your cheating heart, then maybe their huge membership numbers are. Three million members can’t be wrong, can they? And if they are, so what — as long as they’re hot!
When You Need: Skills
Download: the Android app Dating Tips and Advice, which provides its (presumed to be male) users with words of wisdom from “master pickup artists” who impart gems such as, “Start with arrogance and then add humor.” But the best description is the developer’s own: “Collection of articles for single men dating. You will learn how to not kill your date, for what topics to talk.” Da, comrade! If you need an iPhone app to help you avoid the temptation to kill your date, maybe infidelity isn’t your biggest problem.
When You Need: A quick-and-dirty rendezvous
Download: FaceTime for iPhone 4. If you can’t get away for a meat-space meet-up, the new iPhone’s video-calling feature clearly was designed for phone sex, despite Apple’s insistence on pretending it wants to keep its app store clean. The future is here, and it’s not wearing any panties.
When You Need: An excuse to leave the house
Download: Fake a Call, GottaGo or PhonyCall. The clock is always ticking on illicit trysts, so time-wasting conversations are out, whether they’re with your secret love or your boring old partner. Use one of these apps to concoct an emergency back at the office that just can’t wait till morning. And if you’re just having an affair because you want to provoke jealousy, these fake-call apps might save you valuable time and STDs by standing in for an imaginary lover to dangle in front of your neglectful squeeze.
When You Need: A major change of pace
Download: Qrushr Girls or Grindr, the GPS-enabled lesbian and gay hookup apps. It shouldn’t be called cheating if you’ve just begun to realize that you’ve been closeted this whole time — it should be called “being true to yourself.” It’s also called “a geographically desirable booty call.”
When You Need: To cover your tracks
Download: Loky, which can password-protect certain contacts and photos in your iPhone. But for that real superspy feeling, nothing beats the “This message will self-destruct in 59 seconds” effect you get with Tiger Text, which sends evanescent texts that disappear after a set interval, leaving no telltale trail on your phone or your concubine’s. Snooping spouses will never find that “You left your undies in my glove box” message in your Sent folder, because missives sent via Tiger Text are as temporary and fleeting as fidelity itself.
When You Need: To spice things up again
Download: iKamaSutra for Android. Don’t be perfidious and tedious at the same time. Even those once-thrilling taboo rendezvous will become tiresome with time, but you can try to pump up the excitement for a little while longer by emulating the app’s plump stick figures as they engage in positions like “Twister,” “Cross,” “Twisted Missionary” or “Pie in the Sky.”
When You Need: A preemptive strike
Download: MobiStealth. Cheating doesn’t only provide clandestine thrills — it also stokes paranoia. Who knows? Your partner might be cheating on you, too — right now. Launch a preemptive strike: Before your beloved can accuse you of duplicity, confront him with the GPS tracking data, recorded phone calls and web-browsing history you’ve gathered with the help of this app.
When You Need: To call it quits
Download: Scribe, an iPhone app that provides form letters for every occasion, including breakups. After sending a Scribe-penned dump note saying your fling is finito, flick over to Scribe’s “Apologies” section. You’ll need it.
When You Need: To thwart a jilted lover
Download: Sex Offender Tracker. Few breakups manage to skirt messiness, and let’s face it, your situation was messy from the start. If trying to do the right thing and get your original relationship back on track throws your paramour into a tizzy, keep tabs on the psycho before he goes all Rape Bear on you. This app gets added street cred courtesy of viral video star Antoine Dodson, of “Hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husbands ’cause they rapin’ everybody out here” fame.
When You Need: To atone for your sins
Download: GirlfriendKeeper, an app that can help you look like you’ve turned over a new leaf by paying more attention to your almost-lost love. The app sends automated text messages at preset intervals, and the messages range from the simple and sweet (“I miss you” ) to the borderline-stalkerish (“Your birthday is in just 261 days …”). Just don’t forget to turn it off when you’re together and she can plainly see that you’re busy doing something other than noticing the color of her eyes or calculating how many hours it’s been since your first date.
When You Need: To try a new approach
Download: Polyamory Weekly, the nonmonogamy relationship app. Hell, it might be worth a go. This app features the Polyamory Weekly podcast, in which host Miss Poly Manners, the Emily Post of poly, answers thorny etiquette questions like, “I have three partners and each of them has at least one other partner of their own. How on earth do we decide who gets to sit next to whom when several of us go out to eat together?” Ah, la dolce vita! If only the rest of us could have “problems” like these!