Martha Stewart unveiled her equivalent to “You’re fired” last week on her own version of The Apprentice, and it’s . . . poisonous etiquette. Brilliant! Bald, bespectacled control freak Jeffrey made some creative misjudgments writing a children’s book in the first task, and got the ax from Stewart, who glumly told him, “You just don’t fit in.” Jeffrey and his two reprieved colleagues got up and left. So far, so Trump-like. Then Stewart grabs a piece of paper, and an over-the-shoulder camera angle captures her starting a letter. Then voice-over!

“Dear Jeffrey, I’m sorry that you are the first to go. Not to fail, but rather not to fully succeed.” Ouch. Isn’t coming close worse than failure?

Anyway . . . continue. “You entered this serious endeavor knowing that someone would have to leave after the first task.” Ouch again. Okay, we get it. He shouldn’t complain, ’cause he was aware of the consequences. First out. Ick. But don’t we all know that when we go up for a job, we might not get it? No need for reminders.

“Unfortunately, it is you.” Ouch, stop poking with that thing!

“Personally, it is hard to make such a judgment call. But it is part of this interview process.” Uh-oh. She’s looking for sympathy now. Tough job, I guess, saying adios to a complete stranger who screwed up a simple assignment.

“Good luck, travel safely, it was great to meet you. Cordially, Martha Stewart.”

Travel safely? Does that mean get out of New York and stay out? I only hope she grows to detest some of the other contestants, if only for the ta-ta notes at the end.

Whether the pen proves to be mightier than the Donald’s jabbing finger, it’s too early to tell, but it may very well be more entertaining.

LA Weekly