If all you know about Tantra is what you've picked up from watching various Sting interviews, then listen up, 'cause this is going to be awesome and hot, (just like Sting, actually).

Tantra isn't just freaky sex; it's an ancient spiritual practice. But don't worry, hornballs, you will be awakening your divine spiritual self through…sex! Or, the systematic cultivation and storage of sexual energy.

That sounds great, you say, but when do I get to get it on? Eventually. Here is a basic Tantra regimen for beginning couples:

Step 1 – Do Not Get It On: Obviously this is antithetical to what most people think Tantra is about, but bear with me. The practice is more about the creation of sexual energy than it is about actually fucking. This means celibacy for as long as you and your partner can stand it.

You know that feeling when you're super horny and you can't really do anything about it? That's how you're going to feel. Masturbation is allowed, as long as you don't come. You are allowed to get close to climax, but penetration is not advised and orgasms are off limits.

Step 2 – Sit Down: The reason you're not allowed to have sex is because Tantra is all about channeling sexual energy. So yes, you're going to be intentionally making yourself super horny.

The Tantric method for doing this is called “Yab-Yum.” The term is Tibetan for “father mother” and involves an intimate extended embrace between two partners. This can be done in one of three ways: (1) sitting cross-legged across from a partner with knees touching, (2) sitting with one partner's legs wrapped around the others torso, or (3) with one partner sitting on the others lap, legs wrapped around each other. If you want to go full throttle, method three is advised.

Step 3 – Breathe: Once you've assumed position, the next step is to basically just sit there, holding each other and getting aroused. Touching and caressing are allowed. Makeouts sometimes happen, but mostly, intertwined couples are encouraged to breathe deeply and stay calm.

Think about it, when you're about to come, your breathing is usually shallow and hectic, so if you both focus on breathing in deeply through your noses, (you want to drag this breath along the back of your throat, making a noise similar to the roar of the ocean), and bringing this breath to the bottom of your stomach and then back out through your nose, you're more likely to stay in control of your loins.

This is Your Kundalini, Rising

This is Your Kundalini, Rising

Step 4 – Get Nervous: The goal in all this blue-balled frustration is to use the sexual energy you are both creating to strengthen your nervous systems to hold a greater “charge.” Why, you ask?

Well, if you practice Tantra long enough, you will begin to notice some rather interesting effects. These typically include more energy, vivid dreams, increased creativity and an unprecedented ability to attract members of the opposite sex.

And that tingling in the small of your back? That's your kundalini, the fabled “serpent energy” that, for most people, lays dormant. Yours is waking up, which is a very good thing, as traditionally an activated kundalini leads to a variety of mystical experiences and, eventually, enlightenment.

And it also feels really fucking good.

Step 5 – Do It, Already: The Tantric process can go on for as long as you and your partner can stand it, but eventually, you're going to want to bone. There's no specific method for getting back into getting it on, although a soft set of sheets and maybe a nice meal before are recommended.

Men may find that they're able to last longer, so when you're ready, block out some time, put on Sting's Greatest Hits and go crazy on each other.

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LA Weekly