In the days of yore, you needed but a shoeshine and a smile to get a Grammy. You'd walk down to your local Grammy-grocer's and fork over a few wooden nickels, and the proprietor would even wrap your new award in butcher paper so it wouldn't get scratched on the way home.
Sadly, things are different now. Since the Great Upheaval of the '70s and '80s and the subsequent takeover by the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences, they're no longer just handing out those grammo-chromes anymore. Sadly, the process for determining who gets them have been locked away in secret bunkers for decades.
In fact a few months ago, when we spoke to Al Walser about his own, unlikely, Grammy nomination, he seemed touchy. We began wondering: What does the Grammy committee have to hide? Then last week, out of nowhere, like manna from rock and roll Valhalla, a package arrived on our doorstep. Inside was a treasure trove of clues and documents that the Grammys don't want you to see. Below, then, is everything you need to know about how Grammy winners are chosen.
It turns out there's a whole lot of math involved. Maths, if you will. Really complex maths which take into account functions like scientific music appreciation, the evolution of human hearing, population metrics, the phases of the moon, and the atomic weight of cobalt at sea level.
So, what happens is that an industrial blender is programmed with those complex maths. And into the blender goes:
Something called 'mojo'
Et voila: Grammy magic.
Special thanks to the unsung heroes who secreted this out of NARAS headquarters, your efforts were not in vain. We salute you.