Orlando Bloom — Elf. Pirate. God. I could watch you kill Orcs all day. Or bandits, or bugs, or baby seals. Those hobbits have nothing on you. Oh, to be the horse upon which you have swung. Come to my slumber party and we will braid each others’ hair. Arrr!

Hayden “Anakin Skywalker/Stephen Glass” Christensen — It matters not if your fact-checkers despise you. Join me. Together we will hate sand and rule the galaxy as Jedi and girlfriend.

Buffy and Spike — Vampires who love vampire slayers who love other vampires. If I had a wooden stake for every time that happened. Alas, ours is a forbidden love.

Britney, who kissed Madonna while Christina watched — You’re not a girl, not yet a woman. You’re so cute when you’re confused.

The t.A.t.U. girls — I like it when you whisper those three special words: Catholic. Schoolgirl. Uniforms.

J.K. Rowling — If we promise not to do any of the naughty spells, can Harry Potter come to the prom with me?

Nemo’s dad — Your son is a whiny little urchin of an excuse for a fish. You crossed oceans to be with him, and then he leaves? Whatever! Swim to me, and I promise not to think about sushi when we make out.

Katie Holmes — I don’t just love you. I want to be you. Seasons pass, but we’ll always have the Creek.

The guy from Chino on The OC — If only I could remember your name, you surly, surly, hunky man-child, you. You say so little, but mean so much. It’s like you’re reading my mind.

Gollum — You’re good. You’re evil. You’re good. You’re evil. And then some idiot with a sword jumps you while you’re trying to eat. Can anybody say “soul mates”? So creepy, but so cute.

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