As I type, my friend Brooke is at the Emergency Room of Hollywood Presbyterian hospital getting shot up with antibiotics. You wanna know why? It's because her tonsils look like this:

Even her little wobbly hanging bit is covered in nasty white diseased spots. And she's not the only one to have gotten sick – my fever was so high one day last week I was too weak to walk my dog, who pooped on my new suede boots in revenge. My roommate Alexis has been coughing like a Victorian-era typhus victim. My friend Katie is too sick to come out tonight because she has a stomach flu and might barf over the patrons of Casita del Campo. And we're not the only ones – everyone is dropping like flies.

It makes no sense – OK, it is kinda cold outside, but nothing compared to what our friends on the East Coast are having to put up with.

Which leads me to conclude that a plague of biblical proportions has been cast upon the young people of Los Angeles (because we are all bad, shallow people who check our MySpace when we should be at church praying for our lost souls).

Or maybe terrorists have spiked the beers at Safari Sam's with some kind of anthrax or other biohazardous substance. A deadly strain of Eastside Ebola, if you will.

Anyhow, for those of you currently fighting Hipster Flu, here's my doctorly advice:

– Try not go out – or if you must, wear a scarf (long and gray is acceptable) and try not to make out with your friends

 – Don't stand outside smoking – or if you must, choose American Spirits ('cause they are healthy, natural and smoother on diseased tonsils, right?)

– Try not to drink alcohol – or if you must, try a shot of Dayquil followed immediately by a shot of vodka. It'll fuck you up!

– And finally, make sure to call all your friends who are freelancers and demand they bring you zinc tablets and Airborn and chicken broth. Insist they sit with you on the couch and watch DVDs. Believe me, they're looking for any excuse to procrastinate – and what better reason than a friend in need?

Get Well Soon!!!

LA Weekly