FRIDAY, November 17

Step right up! The 999 Eyes Sideshow looks like the novel Geek Love come to life. This traveling freak show boasts the Lovely Half-Woman Jackie O’ All Trades, Lobster Girl, Madame Miniature the Dwarf Demure, and more. But the big draw isn’t solely deformities, but the showmanship that goes into the production: creepy carnival music played on accordions, lighting, costumes, plus an accompanying Museum ov Mutantstrosities. We’re told that National Geographic is coming to photograph the troupe, which seems worth mentioning. The California Institute of Abnormal Arts, 11334 Burbank Blvd., N. Hlywd.; Fri., Nov. 17, 9 p.m.; $10. (818) 506-6353.

SATURDAY, November 18

As I type this, it’s 95 degrees outside, but here goes anyway: Ice-skating returns to L.A. with L.A. Kings Downtown on Ice, now billed as “the Rockefeller Center of the West.” Yeah, right. Pershing Square, 532 S. Olive St., dwntwn.; Mon.-Thurs., noon-10 p.m.; Fri.-Sun., 10 a.m.-10 p.m.; $6, $2 skate rental; Nov. 16-Jan. 15. (888) LA-PARKS.

In this corner: ChUSMA, a feisty, satirical and political guerrilla-theater troupe (it’s Spanish slang for “society’s unwanted elements”) gets pitted against musical collective Quinto Sol in a lucha libre celebration of comedy and music where everyone wins and thoughts are provoked. Self-Help Graphics, 3802 Cesar Chavez Ave., E.L.A.; Sat., Nov. 18, 8 p.m.-1:30 a.m.; $15, $10 in advance. (323) 383-7304.

SUNDAY, November 19

Desperate Housewives sucks even worse this season (that guy in a coma? You’ve got to be kidding!). Don’t spend another Sunday night on Wisteria Lane when real, live desperate women are panting and vamping it up. The Victory Variety Hour presents “highfalutin’ low brow” vaudeville and burlesque, featuring Princess Farhana, Margaret Cho, Renea’ Le Roux, Rene Du Jour, Brian Chic, Hobo Jazz and host Ron Lynch. The theme is “The Shriek of Araby,” and if the whole thing sounds just like all those other burlesque troupes . . . well, yeah, it sorta is. King King, 6555 Hollywood Blvd., Hlywd.; Sun., Nov. 19, 8 & 9:30 p.m. (two different shows); $12. (323) 960-5765.

MONDAY, November 20

Tickets start at $100 for North Pole seats to Barbra Streisand tonight at Staples Center and go up to $750 if you want to breathe the same air as Babs. Instead, amuse yourself by playing Six Degrees of Barbra Streisand and Christopher Walken. Here’s one, sorta: Kevin Spacey plays Christopher Walken as Han Solo and Ana Gasteyer plays Barbra Streisand as Princess Leia on Saturday Night Live. Now you are ready for All About Walken: ?The Impersonators of Christopher Walken. Nine actors give their Walken-est all to channel the most impersonated actor since Bogey. Paul G. Gleason Theater, 6520 Hollywood Blvd., Hlywd.; every Mon., 8 p.m.; thru Dec. 18; $15. (310) 663-4050.

TUESDAY, November 21

No latecomers will be seated for Ricky Jay & His 52 Assistants. The show is in the 96-seat Audrey Skirball Kenis Theater at the Geffen Playhouse. Jay, a sleight-of-hand artist famous for mesmerizing audiences with fancy fingering, is the thinking man’s magician, which means he won’t ride a unicycle while pulling a quarter from your ear. Audrey Skirball Kenis Theater at the Geffen Playhouse, 10886 Le Conte Ave., Westwood; Tues.-Thurs. & Sat., 8 p.m; Fri., 8:30 p.m.; Nov. 21-Dec. 16; $75 & $85. (310) 208-5454.

WEDNESDAY, November 22

This could be the last time . . . this could be the last time. Didn’t we write that the last time? Maybe the last time, I don’t know. Ladies and gentlemen, The Rolling Stones. Dodger Stadium, Elysian Park; Wed., Nov. 22, 7 p.m.; $60-$450. (213) 480-3232.

THURSDAY, November 23

Today is Thanksgiving. Be thankful for something. Set an extra spot at the dinner table for someone you wish could be there. Eat too much. And be thankful that we live in a country with the best lavatorial plumbing in the world.

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