Dave Shulman

Do It Yourself

Come on in, Ricky. Ricky, I‘d like you to meet Stacks. Stacks, this is Ricky. “Hey.” “How’s it going?” “All right.” As I mentioned a few days ago, Stacks, I have to go do jury duty. And since California Rules of Court, Section 980, and the Grand and Trial Jurors......

Catalog(.)

Thank you for your recent online purchase from The Mall Zone Outpost Warehouse Club, your permanent source of everlasting convenience. As a token of our appreciation, we invite you to take advantage of these special hardware and software clearance bargains, available only to our online customers whose worlds spin on......

G4 and After Science

Art by Mike LeeMOORE'S LAW -- BASED ON THE OBSERvations of inventor and former chairman of Intel Gordon Moore -- states that every two years, we figure out how to double the number of transistors on an integrated circuit, effectively quadrupling its power. In The Age of Spiritual Machines, drastically......

No Fries; Chips

Another magical night inside the Mobil minimarket. Grumpy, motionless clerk barely visible amid stalactites of rotating price signs and stalagmites of fawning treats. On a sturdy steel table in the northwest corner, the Acorto 993 automatic espresso-beverage dispenser comes to life at the touch of a button. “Take the guesswork......

Anachron 58:36

Dreamed I was 58. Older than I am. Woke up and reminded myself I‘m 38. What a relief. Brushed and flossed and spat and got all the way to the kitchen before realizing I’m not 38; I‘m 36. Do the math: By the time I arrive at work, I’ll be......

Smart Man, Crazy Man: Ten Thousand Dollars

An old friend used to do an impersonation of her mother reciting a handy coming-of-age proverb: “Smart man, crazy man: piece of paper.” Embellished with the proper inflections and gestures -- smart and crazy form opposite halves separated only by paper -- the proverb‘s gist was clear: Smartman is as......
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Into the Big Machine

Art by Mike LeeMY FRIEND ERNIE WORKS FOR A BIG machine downtown that makes the world a better place by manufacturing things. Every few months, Ernie would tell me how important it was that I see where he worked, so that I'd understand why he'd become who he was. Years......

Jobberwacky

Art by Mike LeeRazors pain you; Rivers are damp; Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give; Gas smells awful; You might as well live. --Dorothy Parker "Resume" THE MOST LIFE-THREATENING PREFIX TO employment is un. And the most life-threatening document to the unemployed is the......

Insomnomania!

Art by Mike LeeHAVING BEEN AWAKE THREE NIGHTS straight gathering information on sleep deprivation, I've developed an almost entirely meritless theory: America's bloodthirst for entertainment is a sublimation for missing dreams. According to the nonprofit National Sleep Foundation, America, in its quest for almighty everythingness, leads the industrialized world in......

25 Years of Dick

Art by Mike LeeTHE FIRST SOUND FILE I EVER DOWNloaded was Richard Nixon's "I'm not a crook" -- possibly his most famous work, and for three good reasons: It's quick, it's a lie, and it defines a distinctly American relationship between representative and represented. Given how much good-natured fun Nixon......