1 Block Frank McCourt. You thought that Fox’s ownership of the team was bad, just wait for McCourt. Rumors have it that when the team is his, he plans on ripping down the beatific Dodger Stadium and building condos in Chavez Ravine. Then he wants to use public money — your taxes — to pay for a new ballpark next to Staples Center. Fuck that and fuck him.
2 Rename Elysian Park Avenue. Try saying Vin Scully Drive with me.
3 Give Cy Young Award–winning relief pitcher Eric Gagne a gold and bejeweled throne to sit his Canadian ass on and make the whole city learn his patented fist pump.
4 Flog, then fire, general manager Dan Evans and hire away Billy Beane from the A’s. Beane took a small-market and tiny-payroll team and turned it into an AL-powerhouse. Just imagine what he could do with some real dough.
5 Dump manager Jim Tracy and install ex-Dodger Kirk Gibson, now with the Detroit Tigers. If nothing else, think what he’d do for morale.
6 Give Dave Roberts, the Dr. of Buntology, a huge raise. Roberts is the one of the best leadoff batters in the National League; he’s a mean center fielder, too.
7 Move catcher Paul Lo Duca to first and trade for a great catcher. Ivan “Pudge” Rodriguez is a free agent, and with the dumping of Mr. Grumpy, Kevin Brown and a few other lame duck players, the Dodgers are 30 mil under their last payroll — and Pudge is within reach.
8 Sign other marquee players. Vladimir Guerrero and Whittier-bred Nomar Garciaparra are available at press time, so deep pockets will come in very handy. But has Evans, the putz, made any good trades yet? Fuck no. Now we’re stuck with two players no one wants, outfielder Juan Encarnacion from the Marlins and Yankee pitcher Jeff Weaver.
9 Give the free gifts to everyone. That way, I don’t have to make up a long story about having a son home sick and can I please get a mini–Shawn Green bobble-head for him, which, by the way, would look awesome on my desk. Also, follow Arte Moreno’s lead with the Angels and lower beer prices.
10 Why not shoot the fireworks higher so I can see them from my house in Silver Lake?