On a day dedicated to freedom, (and hot dogs), nothing says “personal independence” like deliberately shunning decency laws and getting it on in public.

These national landmarks are ideal spots to celebrate USA day by setting off some personal fireworks (in your PANTS!) just out of sight from tourists and park rangers.

And isn't your right to do so what this holiday is all about?

Alcatraz (San Francisco, CA): Indulge your assorted prison/bondage/Nicholas Cage (what?) fantasies with a clandestine quickie in a darkened corner of one of the dank cells in the Rock's solitary confinement area. Points for using “shank” as a dirty word. BYO handcuffs.

Graceland (Memphis, TN): Elvis moved into Graceland in 1957 and spent the following two decades turning it into a swinging sex den of the highest caliber. Or maybe he just liked faux fur and closed circuit television. Either way, find a dark corner of the jungle room and let your hunk a burnin' love loose all over the green shag carpet.

Walden Pond (Concord, MA): Ponder the existential principles of why boning underwater feels so fucking good, (that's mostly what Thoreau was talking about, right?), with a covert tryst in America's favorite philosophically relevant pond.

Statue of Liberty: Having the opportunity to climb up a tall lady's dress to have sex at the base of her torch is on the shortlist of reasons why America is the greatest country in the world. (The fact that that phrase also sounds like the lyrics to an early-era Aerosmith jam also makes us vaguely patriotic).

Please insert joke about "all that manpower" here.

Please insert joke about “all that manpower” here.

Hoover Dam (Boulder City, NV): Prime your floodgates with thoughts of unbridled hydroelectric energy before ducking into one of the dam's art-deco inspired bathrooms for a one-on-one flag raising ceremony.

Mount St. Helen's (Skamania County, Washington): Because this 110,000-acre national volcanic monument offers unparalleled hiking, camping and the the rare opportunity to use “I wonder when she might blow again” as a double entendre.

The Washington Monument (Washington DC): Duh. Although the monument is indefinitely closed to the public due to the effects of 2011's Virginia earthquake, the erotic nature of our nation's favorite massive stone phallus can be appreciated from any spot on the National Mall one might choose to salute it — sans pants.

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