Oh sure, all the highfalutin' critics with their fancy book-learnin' are going on and on about the Dirty Pickups, the Phoenix Collective, and that one Scandinavian band (you know, the one with all the white people?) as the “Best of 2009.” But what about THE PEOPLE?
What kind of music have THE PEOPLE been listening to in 2009? You know, everyone who doesn't get free CDs to “review” in the mail, along with a xeroxed piece of paper featuring vaguely coherent PR hype written by a hapless intern who wants to break into “the music industry.” Everyone who is not a thirtysomething lady dressed like Zooey Deschanel hanging out by the blue (both the color of the bulbs and the feeling they induce) bathroom corridor at the Echo, hoping to be hit on by a Dirty Pickup or a member of the Phoenix Collective. Everyone who's REAL and doesn't like big government and thinks vegans should be force-fed Arbys. We're not talking about you, me, Miranda July, and everyone you know. We're talking about your aunt and uncle.
In the spirit of Carl Wilson's Celine Dion's Let's Talk About Love: A Journey to the Ends of Taste and Komar and Melamid's Most Wanted and Least Wanted Art project, we've compiled a Top Ten List of the Most Watched Youtube Music Videos of 2009. All of these videos were watched more than 38 million times and the top one (as of today) was watched 86 million times!
So, what did we discover massive amounts of people like? In no particular order: guitar virtuosity, jizz, underdogs, dead superstars, nubile strumpets, children, partying, Andy Samberg, and cocaine.
See if you can guess who made the most watched Youtube music video of 2009,* after the jump.
*Views counts as of 12/24 at 1:00 pm.
NUMBER TEN (38 million views): Michael Jackson, “Best Ever Moonwalk”
Originally posted in 2006, but for some reason very big this year.
NUMBER NINE (38 million views): Miley Cyrus, “Fly on the Wall”
Move over Lady Gaga–this homespun pop harlot was the REAL, unstoppable Musical Queen of Youtube this year (see below).
NUMBER EIGHT (39 million views): Lonely Island, featuring T-Pain, “I'm on a Boat”
SNL-affiliated funnymen take on the AutoTune craze. Guys who say “bro” a lot loved it in '09!
NUMBER SEVEN (56 million views): Michael Jackson “Beat it” (embedding disabled by request)
We're not morbid. We just wanna remember him like this–happy, (sort of) black, nosed, and straight-seeming.
NUMBER SIX (59 million views): Miley Cyrus, “Party in the U.S.A.”: She namechecked Jay-Z (though she had never listened to him) and rode this one to the toppermost of the poppermost.
Who's on THE PEOPLE'S TOP FIVE? C'mon, you know you wanna know…
NUMBER FIVE (66 million views): Miley Cyrus, “The Climb”
Yes, she did it again! Miley trifecta for 2009–THE PEOPLE couldn't get enough of the underage vixen. What hath Achy Breaky wrought…
NUMBER FOUR (67 million views): funtwo, “Guitar”
First shocker! A teenage boy in his overlit room shilling for the Guitar Master Pro learning system by engaging in some elaborate baroque noodling. Actually, not so shocking: THE PEOPLE have always been suckers for Pachelbel's Canon and soulless dexterity.
NUMBER THREE (73 million views): Lonely Island, “Jizz in My Pants”
More frat humor, this time about premature ejaculation. Fans of this will grow up to be fans of that despicable “Viva Viagra” commercial (et tu, Lieber and Stoller…)
NUMBER TWO (82 million views): Susan Boyle, “Britain's Got Talent” (embedding disabled by request)
Ha! Gotcha. We bet you thought this would have been the most watched Youtube music video of 2009. Nope. People loved the differently-abled Scottish spinster with the voice of a differently-abled angel, but not so much as they loved…
(c'mon… you know you want to…)
NUMBER ONE (86 million views): Pitbull, “I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)”
Cocaine takes it!!!!!! The favorite song of 'roided up, shitty-club goers! Yes, you read it right: Miami's poet of lust-with-a-metallic-taste-in-the-roof-of-your-mouth, the one and only (we hope) Pitbull made the most watched Youtube music video of 2009. THE PEOPLE have spoken, loud and obnoxious. Happy holidays.