It seems just yesterday we were making fun of New York City for its lonely state of Four Loko-less-ness, while we sat around playing Edward Lokohands like we were untouchable.
Oh, right — that was yesterday. One fateful day later, the nation weeps united.
Under pressure from angry parents, self-righteous senators (ahem, this one's on you again, NY) and the FDA, the bro-founders behind Phusion Projects have announced they will remove three of Loko's four main ingredients: guarana, taurine and worst of all caffeine. (Guess what the fourth is.)
Buzzkill! Emasculating, besides. This is like watching the Incredible Hulk get his balls chopped off.
Loko 4 Lyfers across the country want to know: How long do we still have to stock our emergency trapdoor pantries with the Sustenance De Lyfe, before it's gone for good? Phusion is up to the eyeballs in media requests and won't return our calls, but their press release reads:
“Going forward, Phusion will produce only non-caffeinated versions of Four Loko.”
We take that to mean: Rush every Loko carrier within a 100-mile radius and buy the shit out of whatever they have left. Now.
As for the less life-changing alcopop brands — Joose, Sparks, Tilt; mere meteors in a Loko universe — the FDA has announced it sent the companies “warning letters” this morning.
“I wouldn't characterize it as an outright ban,” said a square-sounding dude over the official FDA vs. Four Loko conference call today. “These are warning letters that these beverages are adulterated.”
Look — if your pending “ban” was just a toothless scare tactic to trick the honorable Phusion Projects guys into weakening their own masterpieces, we condemn you, FDA. And as for you, PP: We double-doggy dare you to release the ingredients in Four Loko and their exact measurements, so we can start a chain of Loko Labs up in Lake County. (Anyone who's better at searching the Internet than us should also feel free to send that one along.)
You wouldn't make us test all possible combinations on ourselves and our innocent fathers, now, would you?
Until then, dear reader — for the sake of the race, go grab all surviving Loko soldiers! It's only a matter of time before Phusion nukes the lot with a fruity little bonzai variety. FML.