I see a lot of sex toys in my day, and here are five products that make me say, “Huh?” “Really?” and/or “OMG!” Not in any particular order.

1. The BlowGuard

Made by a dentist, or a man with a fetish for those silver metal mouth trays they use to make impressions. Whoever thought the BlowGuard was a good idea should go look up the definition of good idea.

The BlowGuard claims it can take the job out of BJs, but if you think what you're doing is a job, you should either get paid to do it or JUST DON'T DO IT. Using this in conjunction with your lips and tongue (on a man or woman) is supposed to help enhance the orgasm a la vibration. But what does a red silicone version of a field hockey mouth guard with a bullet vibrator attached do for the giver? (Other than make it nearly impossible to actually maneuver the cock within his or her mouth.)

The Blowguard got a “Really?” from me.

2. The Bug Chaser DIldo

I'm sorry, there's nothing sexy to me about fetishizing getting infected with HIV, and nothing sexy about a dildo that looks rather sick. Sick as in ill and contagious. I don't know what else to say, except, I'll pass.

I couldn't decide if I should give this a “Really?” “Huh?” or “OMG!”…so it got a little of all three.

3. Baby Jesus Butt Plug

I love thinking that I've got baby Jesus up my ass as much as the next gal, but the idea of a baby up the butt (or anywhere in my bordello) just isn't all that sexy. I mean adult Jesus, sure, but baby Jesus? Nope, can't go there.

This one got a “Really?”

4. The Cone

Great idea, but sooooo loud and bulky. I want to love The Cone, I do, but the only thing I use mine for is dust collecting. It's heavy and powerful, but still. This is a big pointy object that I'm supposed to sit on while reading or something, and it ends up feeling like I'm riding a small hovercraft.

“A” for effort and innovation, but this one made me ask, “Huh?” I'm still waiting for an answer!

5. The Grizzly Bear

Talk about long. I have nothing against bears (as in the gay, hairy kind) or 
bears (like the ones that steal pic-a-nic baskets) or bears (like the ones that throw balls in Chicago and/or spray rainbows from their bellies) but the idea of sex with a grizzly bear's penis doesn't get me roaring. (Or growling. Ba-dum-CHING!)

I'm not saying it's wrong or right to use this grizzly dildo, because fantasy is fantasy. I'm just saying that a bear penis, or the idea of a bear penis (or any animal's cock for that matter) will likely never be my fantasy.

This will forever make me say “OMG!” and most likely not while I'm coming.

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