IT WAS NOO YEER’S DAY nite, the nite rite after Noo Yeer Zeve. I had a big ol’ cracklin’ fire goin’. The hole room’s a-rumblin’, oana counta the fire. I sitted back, oh, ’bout figh-six feet, so’s I don’t sinjee m’eyebrows ’r beerd-hairs, or t’other hairs growin’ out m’face.
Them’s a hot, hot fire.
Spint awl day bein’ pay-triotical with the nabors — settin’ off splotions ’n’ shootin’ rahffles up in ’air, and like that. Got me tired, so now I’s jes sittin’ere, draenken coaffee, thinkin’ ’bout what to do with m’new twenny-oh-six.
Sober’s a whistle, happy’s a clam.
But so now, hear’s this: Rite about then, the gin-you-wine, boner-fightee Gaughed Alm Heidi Himself come down from Hebben and toll me, die-reckly, all about ever-thing and how’s it’s gonna go on down from hear, so now you jes set ’n’ listen, an’ learn what to do, so’s you noah how to live rite.
FERST THING: Before Gaughed tolt me all ’bout how it all is, He askt me to take a noath. So I put m’haind oan m’hart, an’ I sworda Gaughed that fr’m now oan I’s only writin’ His Very Words, jes like he tells ’em on me. An’ that’s what this all is. An’ if’n you doan bleeve me, jes read it ag’in, ’til you do.
Howdya like that?
HERE’S GAUGHED TALKIN’. Says this hear Ferst Chertch of Calm Dave is only place for truth enna moore. From now oan, ever-thing — ever single thing what’s writ in this here Calm Dave — from now oan, is only the gin-you-wine, boner-fightee Worda Me, Gaughed Alm Heidi, ’n’ the only wayza gittin’ to Hebben’s by sendin’ live cash-money — $50 or more — to Calm Dave at c/o L.A. Weekly, P.O. Box 4315, Los Angeles, California 90078. That’s Rool Number 1.
Rool Number 2 is: After you send yer ferst $50 cash-money to Calm Dave at c/o L.A. Weekly, P.O. Box 4315, Los Angeles, California 90078, weight won weak, then send another $50 live-cash-money payment to Calm Dave at c/o L.A. Weekly, P.O. Box 4315, Los Angeles, California 90078. Then ever-weak, on like that.
Rool Number 3 is: Troozyme standin’ hear naow, no one’s ever to dowbt that gin-you-wine, boner-fightee Gaughed Alm Heidi Hisself talked die-reckly at me, and toll ever-thing true ’n’ good what’s in hear, an’ what’s what, an’ I rode it down jes like He seddit when He told me the Big Truth in a flash of light, an’ even tho’ He talked for ours an’ ours, I remembered ever single silliball of it. That’s a die-reck quote frum Gaughed, so if’n you ever start to unbelieve it, jes reed it ag’in, ’til you do.
Rool Number 4 is: Them’s a true story what Gaughed’s Magical Son come back from His Easter Vacation to be the King of America: Mister Messiah W. Prizzadent of the You Essa Vay. Gaughed says, Do what yer Messiah sez, an’ stop askin’ so menny kwistchins, America. You ain’t Gaughed, Gaughed is. And the Messiah’s the Messiah — He knoze the Mass Terplan. That’s why-come the Messiah always wears his hare like that way, and with a shiny-new sooten tie and a white shirt when he reads at the camera, on accounta Mister Prizzadent does the Worka Gaughed, an’ OAHNLY the Worka Gaughed.
Rool Number 5 is: From now oan, Groundhog Day’s called National Whittlin’ Day.
DANG — THERE GOES another tooth. Musta bin usin’ th’rong end of the brush ag’in. Howdya like that?
THEM’S ALL THE ROOLS, on accounta they’s only five fingers per hand, and you need the other hand to point at the fingers with when you count. Gaughed Alm Heidi said more things, but jes not rools. I rode ’em down for later. But I’ll tell you one thing right now: Gaughed tolt me we don’t have to learn nothin’ anymore, like folks used to. Brazen sinners like them Founding Fathers — not one of them was a Believer, Gaughed tolt me! Them was all Deists and Naturists what figured there was science and education and art to learn life with! — but now it’s all simple anymore, on accounta computers. So now Gaughed says there ain’t no such thing as science no more, and that there ain’t no more Universe or Gravity or Nuthin’. Them’s just fancy trickeries, what Gaughed made to test our faith. And, like I said Gaughed said, the only way to prove that you’ve passed the test is to send that first payment of $50 live cash money. You know the address.
AS YUDA MADGIN, Gaughed has him some minty-fresh breath. Shiny shoes, too. And, of course, a big ol’ mustache. But that’s all I’m loud to say. That, and that Gaughed always carries with him a portable T-vee. Whenever He turns it oan, like he done now, he says, “Looky here!” jes like The Professor on Gilligan’s Island did, only The Professor — Professor Roy Hinkley — said “Listen to this!” with the radio, and then the radio would talk, and Gaughed’s sayin’ “Looky here!” with the T-vee, so then the ?T-vee can talk.
And whenever Gaughed says “Looky here!” who do you think shows up on the T-vee but Mister Messiah W. Prizzadent.
See? There’s the Messiah on the T-vee! Right now! Let’s listen in:
“Freedom. Freedom-freedom. Freedom. Enemy? Freedom. Enemy? Nine-eleven. Nine-eleven? Troops. Freedom-troops. Freedom troops freedom.”
Words to live by, is what Gaughed Alm Heidi sez. Plus, He said some of y’all goahn say that I — yours truly, now, not Him — that I’s bein’ satanickle, rood, disrespectible or hwut-knot, that I’m jes a-makin’ it all up for petty swindlins. Fact is, I ain’t! Remember, I dint ask Gaughed to cum a-visitin’ me. I’s jes a-relaxin’ at the fireside on Noo Yeer’s Day nite when He come a-callin’. I cain’t help what He said when He come. I’s jes bein’ honest-like, oan-the-level with you. Doin’ what He said to Do. For the record, He dint even menchen Abe Borschen at all, not even once. Or oil prices, neither. He dint say why.
Howdya like that?
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