Sometimes not being able to get it up is a tragedy not so easily solved with blue pills or Spanish fly. Occasionally, heavy machinery is required.

Coloplast, a Danish manufacturer of medical devices, is being sued by Eric Banks, a Pennsylvania man who claims that his surgically-implanted Coloplast penis pump repeatedly failed to deflate.

This week, a federal judge ruled that his personal injury suit can proceed, even though Coloplast alleges that the original implant is no longer available for inspection.

Coloplast representatives seem to forget that people tend not to want to keep things that cause them immense discomfort on the mantel for future scolding and scorn.

This is how a penis pump works: two cylinders are surgically implanted in the body, one acting as a pump and the other a fluid-filled reservoir, to approximate how much blood flow to the penis gives a man an erection.

The pump is located under the skin between the testicles, and when the man presses on it, fluid flows into the cylinder located in the penis, inflating it. It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “punch yourself in the balls.”

A deflation valve at the base of the pump returns fluid to the reservoir, and this mechanism is apparently what blew out and caused Banks' grievance.

Screwed by both biology and the bottom line, Banks claims that the Coloplast prosthesis would not deflate correctly, and after three surgeries, his misery remained. Much like automotive lemons, Banks soured on the prospect of having something by Coloplast in his body again and went to another manufacturer to have his penis pump replaced.

In an 11-page opinion handed down Feb. 27, U.S. District Judge Cynthia M. Rufe noted that, while “the penile prosthetic industry's standard of care is beyond the knowledge and experience of a lay juror” she approved Banks' strict liability claim against Coloplast, citing Banks' “circumstantial evidence to support his claim that the prosthesis was faulty.”

Quick translation: My cock hurts. These guys fucked up. I am in Hell. Help.

References: Outpatient Surgery

United States District Court Memorandum Opinion and Order

All About Prosthetic Penile Implants

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