As comedian Gilda Radner would say, “If it’s not one thing, it’s another.” If you’re not stuffing your face with Rite-Aid Easter eggs, you’re doing battle with rock-hard matzo balls; if you’re not feigning joy over Jesus’ return, you’re putting on the dog about the Israelites’ emancipation from slavery; if you’re not enduring loud-mouth relatives over an artery-clogging dinner … hey, Jews do that, too! But the chosen people have an out (maybe that’s why they’re chosen): They can enjoy the Chai Center Passover Seder (that’s ritual feast to you nonbelievers) at the Olympic Collection banquet hall, officiated by Rabbi Schlomo Schwartz, or “Schwartzie” as you’ll refer to him somewhere between your third and fourth ritual cups of Manischewitz. Schwartzie isn’t your traditional rebbe (that’s Yiddish, you schlemiel), so there’s no telling if he’ll be wearing his “Grateful Yid,” baseball cap (as long as his head’s covered). You’ll get the full-on service in English with Hebraic chants, the complete unleavened meal and colorful stories about his stints as a campus rabbi at UCLA and UC Berkeley during the ’60s. Best of all, single, wandering Jews can eye potential table mates at the Schmooze and Cruise Happy Hour. No boats involved.

Mon., March 29, 7 p.m., 2010

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