The big news in lawlessness this month came with the revelation that the Los Angeles Police Department will generally no longer consider 91 offenses misdemeanors, but mere infractions. Infractions are usually punished by a simple fine, as opposed to all the meshugas of a court date and so on.
The policy was put in place by former City Attorney Carmen Trutanich on May 21, which just so happened to have been Election Day, and incumbent Trutanich lost. Was it a parting gift to the public he so loved? Or just a good way to bury a headline? We can only speculate.
But the bottom line is that being a jerk just got a whole lot easier in L.A.! We've taken the liberty of writing up an itinerary for a fun-filled, misdemeanor-free, though perhaps a tad expensive, day:
First a word of caution: it's still up to your friendly policeman to decide if he, or indeed she, writes this stuff up as an infraction or a misdemeanor. So remember to always be polite when you're getting wasted in public or pooing in the fountain at The Grove or whatever you sick people do.
9:30 am: Rise. Feed your unlicensed guard dog [LA Municipal Code 53.15.3(a)] that you didn't get immunized [LAMC 53.66 C] or get a sign for [LAMC 53.66 B].
10:00 am: Use a fake ID to buy alcohol [B&P Code 25658(b)], even though you're 22, because YOLO.
10 am: Oops! You forgot to show up for court-ordered traffic school [Vehicle Code 42005].
10:30 am: Drive over to the Auto Zone without a license [Vehicle Code 12500(a)]. Install an illegal muffler on your car [Vehicle code section 42005] on the side of the road [LAMC section 85.01(a)] while blasting ZZ Top [LAMC 112.01] like a boss.
11 am: Wash some windows of cars passing by [LAMC 80.74(a)], just to be a decent person for a bit.
11:45 am: Borrow your homeless friend's shopping cart [LAMC 41.45 (c) and (d)], load it up with a ton of roosters [LAMC 53.71] and set up shop 40 feet away from the nearest freeway [LAMC 42.00(h)]. Who wouldn't want to buy a rooster at a freeway exit? [LAMC 42.00(b)]
Noon: It's happy hour somewhere. Crack open a cold one [LAMC 41.27 (c)].
12:30 pm: You don't really buy beer, you just rent it. Go water some bushes in public [LAMC 41.47.2].
1:00 pm: No one wants to buy a rooster! What the eff? Drive over to Venice Beach and set up shop there. Who cares if you were cited last week? [LAMC 42.15 (c)] While you're at it, better put up some signs advertising your business [LAMC 42.00(d)].
2:00 pm: Ugh. Rooster poo. Better get rid of this somewhere… [Health and Safety 117555]
3:00 pm: Knock off work early and visit an amateur gambling establishment [LAMC 43.01 Sect.1] to shoot some dice.
4:30 pm: What a day! Take a nap in the middle of the sidewalk. [LAMC 56.08 (e)] You earned it!
5:30 pm: Quick stop home to feed your non-permitted homing pigeons [LAMC 53. 60].
7:30 pm: Watch the sunset from a nearby skate park, then get your skate on [LAMC 63.44N3] without a helmet [LAMC 63.44N1] or knee pads. Knee pads? I mean seriously.
9:15 pm: Dang, where's the garbage can? It's all good bro, just burn your trash. [LAMC 57.20.22 (c)] They do it all the time in Africa, and L.A. hardly has any smog anymore so it's okay!
10:31 pm: Take your unlicensed [LAMC 53.15.3 (a)] dog that doesn't have tags [LAMC 53.21 (a)] or a vaccination certificate [LAMC 53.24] for a walk in the parking lot of a public library [LAMC 63.93 (H)].
11:15 pm: Sneak into a public park when law-abiding citizens are home watching the news. [LAMC 63.44 B 14 (a)]. Throw your trash on the ground with the reckless abandon of teenager on crystal meth [LAMC 63.44B19].
12:01 am: Go for a romantic stroll at a public beach with wanton disregard for the hour [LAMC 63.44 B(14) (b)], start a fire outside a designated area [LAMC 63.44 B 17] to stay warm, pitch a tent [LAMC 63.44 I 9] and then fall cozily asleep after a long day of lawlessness.
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