Jon Stojan
Image credit: Freepik
Having “The” conversation with your teen about substance use is never easy. Many parents simply don’t or won’t go there. A Mothers Against Drunk Driving survey found “Teens whose parents told them underage drinking is completely unacceptable are 80 percent less likely to drink than teens whose parents give them other messages about underage drinking.” For those of us with the 20% that didn’t listen, or even if your teen did, here is some important advice.
Ignoring negative behaviors, especially dangerous ones like substance use, is not an option. Defining boundaries and setting limits are crucial for the wellbeing of both teenagers and their parents. Teenagers need structure, which includes clear rules and goals. Research indicates that they feel more secure and experience less anxiety and depression when their parents have a thoughtful family plan in place.
Rules and consequences are most effective when they are not imposed impulsively in the heat of the moment. Instead, parents should work with their teenagers in a calm and reasonable manner to establish an agreed-upon plan. It is best to find a neutral place like a coffee shop, park or during a walk. Avoid having this conversation at home. Be specific when defining rules. For example, rather than a vague directive to “act responsibly,” specify that the teenager is expected to be home by 10 p.m.
Once the rules are set, collaborate with your teenager to assign specific consequences if they are broken. Use a template to help with this process. The consequences should be clearly related to the type, frequency, length, and level of substance use. For instance, if the teenager is home after 10 p.m., they might not be allowed to go out the next Saturday night. If they use marijuana, they could lose phone privileges for a week. If they come home drunk from a party, they could be grounded for a month. Consequences should escalate if the unwanted behavior is repeated. They must be fair, enforceable, and mutually agreed upon, but also revisited yearly – a consequence for a 13-year-old is not the same as a 17-year-old. Also, again be specific, teens have a wonderful way of saying “But you never said I shouldn’t use XXX”.
The following is an example only and each family should decide for themselves what their rules and consequences are.
| Substance | Rule | 1st Offense | 2nd Offense | 3rd Offense |
| Alcohol | Occasional beer is Ok but no getting drunk | Loose cell phone for a week | Loose cell phone for 2 weeks | No cell for 3 weeks and no access to car. |
| THC | Once a month | |||
| Vape/tobacco | Never | |||
| Hallucinogens | Never | |||
| Cocaine | Never | |||
| Opioids | Never | |||
| Party Drugs | Never | |||
| Ecstasy | Never | |||
| Dealing any drug | Never | |||
| Over the counter Meds | Only when prescribed by a doctor |
Yelling at a teenager who has broken the rules serves no constructive purpose. It doesn’t teach a lesson; it only pushes them away. Teens are bound to make mistakes; this is part of growing up. Deciding what the consequences are in advance can remove the anger and then you can let the consequences serve as the teaching moments.
For rules and consequences to be effective, parents must consistently follow through. Allowing teenagers to break the rules without facing the agreed-upon consequences enables substance use.
Sometimes, rules and consequences may not be sufficient. If a teenager is repeatedly caught using, professional intervention may be necessary.