Since 1998, writer/comedian Eugene Pack has been assembling his actor friends to dig through the literal garbage of celebrity autobiographies not even the tabloids would touch, further proving that stars should stick to reading books and not writing them. For the performance In Their Own Words, which aired as a Bravo special last year, Pack coupled the mundane, unhip and crazy-but-true details of the lives of the famous with wry, smarmy and deadpan readings from the likes of Fred Willard, Jay Mohr, Andrea Martin, Julie Brown and Cheryl Hines. And what you heard was Sylvester Stallone talking to his muscles in Sly Moves, Vanna White explaining how it’s all in the wrist in Vanna Speaks, and Madonna being Madonna in Sex. “One of the best experiences I ever had was with a teenage boy,” she recalls. “I think he was a virgin. But he gave me crabs.” Mohr mimicked David Cassidy, who describes the lurid details of his fling with TV sister Susan Dey (“I’ve got to have that ass”), while Everybody Loves Raymond’s Doris Roberts channeled Zsa Zsa Gabor as she recounts her night in jail after the cop-slapping incident (“The cell was furnished with four small stools made for small asses”). Perhaps none were funnier than SNL alum Kevin Nealon’s take on Kenny Loggins professing his love for his wife in surreal, Deep Thoughts–style prose: “I want to watch you sleeping where I can love you in the safety of my own aloneness, no expectations.” Bring a highlighter and take notes at tonight’s spoken word, featuring Willard and Laraine Newman as Burt and Loni, Brown as Paris Hilton, and — from one overweight queen bitch to another — Bruce Vilanch as Star Jones. Skirball Cultural Center, 2701 N. Sepulveda Blvd., L.A.; Thurs., Oct. 19, 8 p.m.; $15, $8 students. (866) 468-3399 or (310) 440-4500.

—Siran Babayan

LA Weekly