You know who should be talking to America's children about abstinence? Bristol Palin, that's who. Because she knows, er, the ways in which it doesn't work. So, eh, she can give the young'ns the old don't do as I do, do as I say speech.
Which is kind of the core of fundamentalist Christianity anyway, right? (He died for our sins so straighten up!). And born-againism? (I had my fun so you straighten up!).
Anyway, Palin the role model (daughter of Sarah “Blood Libel” Palin) will be in town next month to uh, spread the word. (In case you're not aware, she became pregnant at age 17 — just to serve as an example for the rest of us lucky people. She did for our sins, ya know?).
Our Savior Lutheran Church in Arcadia will be hosting baby Palin and her chastity tour during its LoveFest9, which happens Feb. 12-13.
That's right before Valentine's Day, kids, so don't buy your girl naughty lingerie. Instead, get her a bible and come to this orgy of asexual religiousness aimed right at you. (She'll thank you right after you catch her in your dorm room with your best friend).
What a party.
N'way, our good, good friends at Patch report that Palin Jr. is getting “a small appearance fee” for speaking about keeping one's genitalia to one's self, “dating, depression, pornography, drugs and faith.”
She knows porn? Who knew. Well, she does have a new bf. So, yeah, she is familiar with, uh, relationships and stuff.
And yeah, like we believe the daughter of Miss Speaking Fees herself is going to accept a small payment after being a finalist on THE BIGGEST SHOW ON EARTH.