Noisy, excitable boys of about eleven and thirteen years old


Men's room at the Farmers Market at the Grove


4:00 p.m., Sunday before Thanksgiving

Topics Covered: Men's room line etiquette; the inherent creepiness of kid-sized urinals; the shame of being pee-shy; what the fuck might be wrong with people; how to deny the prurient interest of buttholes; the dangers of being precociously equipped.

The Rant:

[Men fidget in line as they wait for their turns at the urinals. One urinal becomes available, and Younger Kid, who is next in line, gestures to the man behind him to step up instead. The man does.]

Older Kid: [Calling over from a urinal.] What the hell, man? My brother's next.

Younger Kid: No, I let him.

Older Kid: Aren't you going?

Younger Kid: Not at that weird one. That one's for midgets.

Older Kid: I thought you were all, 'Oooh, I got to go! Oooh, don't make me laugh 'cause I got to go!'

Younger Kid: I don't use the small one!

[Another urinal becomes available. Younger Kid stands glumly at head of line, and after a few seconds the next man in line – the reporter who notes all this down — steps past the kid to claim the vacancy.]

Older Kid: I'm not going to wait for you.

Younger Kid: Shut up.

Older Kid: Are you shy? Do you have that thing?

Younger Kid: Shut up! I don't like the little one!

Older Kid: 'The little one.' That's about right.

Younger Kid: Shut up!

[By now, Younger Kid has stepped out of line altogether, and the Older Kid has moved on to the sinks.]

Older Kid: Are you going to go or not?

Younger Kid: Not now. Not after all your shit.

[The kids move toward the exit.]

Older Kid: What the fuck's wrong with you?

Younger Kid: What's wrong with you? I'm the smart one. I just don't want any of those buttholes in there staring at my ten-inch fucking dick!

[Nobody in the men's room acknowledges any of what has been said. The men continue to approach the urinals; barely half wash their hands afterwards.]

Hey, there's a whole mess of rants overheard in Los Angeles right here!

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