Need to break up with somebody? We've got you. Sure, Los Angeles boasts some great places to fall in love. Yet (and thankfully) there are equally ideal spots to bid adieu to unwanted romance. Here are eight strategically placed dumping grounds (sorry) around the city, so you can confidently send that ominous “let’s talk” text knowing that your location will support your soon-to-be single lifestyle.
8. The Oaks Gourmet Market
Tucked discreetly behind Franklin Village is the Oaks Gourmet, a bourgeois market and cafe with lots of delicious and pricey items that you can fill up on while you wait for your soon-to-be ex’s improv show to let out. If you’re lucky, you won’t snag a tiny patio table: instead, grab a couple seats at the not-comfy-for-a-conversation-longer-than-10-minutes exterior bar area. When Seth finally shows up (late), buy him a vegan Fonut and tell him that things aren’t working but that you’ll gladly pay for his Uber back to NoHo. Added bonus: The cute dogs milling around will distract you from pre-breakup anxiety!
1915 N. Bronson Ave., Hollywood Hills; theoaksgourmet.com.
7. Sanamluang Cafe
What goes great with heartache? Delicious homemade noodles! Sanamluang Cafe is a tasty restaurant in its own right, but aside from being open late at night and never being crowded, the lighting is TERRIBLE. Use Sanamluang Cafe if you’re really intent on the breakup sticking — the lighting is so bad that you’ll be able to sit Courtney down and confidently tell every pore in her face that y’all just don’t work. It’s also right across from Jumbo's Clown Room, the perfect place for an ironic post-breakup lap dance/palate cleanser.
5175 Hollywood Blvd., East Hollywood; sanamluangcafe.menutoeat.com.
6. La Brea Tar Pits
A $12 ticket to the La Brea Tar Pits could be the last thing you ever buy your oppressively boring soon-to-be ex! Despite having a fairly large tourist draw, the museum is definitely low-key on weekdays. The clincher: The wafting, ever-present smell of sulfur coming from the pits screams “LET'S NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN.” In fact, after an awkward 15-minute lap around the museum, take Tony to an outside park bench close to one of the pits and let the smell do the talking. He’ll be ancient history — promise.
5801 Wilshire Blvd., Mid-Wilshire; tarpits.org.
Sure, it’s trendy but everything about this fine purveyor of exotic sausages screams, “Get ready to be blocked on Facebook.” For the guilt-ridden, Wurstküche is great because you can buy yourself and your soon-to-be ex a cheap meal of alligator or rabbit meat, and wolf it down between breakup buzzwords like “timing,” “compatibility” and “shame.” It’s not a romantic place in the least, but it is dark for possible tear-ups. Is your ex all about a scene? Wurstküche's resident DJ will drown out any yelling matches, though there are LOTS of hot mustard bottles for throwing. When you’re done, pop into Pie Hole for a sweet reward — with those mustard bottle–shaped bruises, you’ve earned it.
800 E. Third St., downtown; wurstkuche.com/locations.
4. Bay Cities
Set the scene for heartbreak (and heartburn) with some oily, garlicky delicious Godmothers at one of the outside tables at Bay Cities. This Italian grocery store is a great, low-stakes Westside locale to contemplate what went wrong in your nine-month courtship. And it’ll be hard to tell if the longing in Theresa’s eyes is for what might’ve been or just that she finished her sandwich.
1517 Lincoln Blvd., Santa Monica; baycitiesitaliandeli.com.
3. Elysian Park
L.A.’s second largest park is a place you need a definite purpose to be in, whether it's a hike, a picnic or telling the co-worker you’ve been banging the past two months that you just aren’t that into them like you thought. It’s pretty but not so pretty that you'll want to linger too long, and you have to really know the trails to do a hike that’s timed correctly with the length of your excuses. The picnic area is quiet enough to have THE TALK, but even if you decide to do a short hike, there are plenty of creepy routes. You’ll get that convo out of the way, fast.
2. Smog Cutter
Smog Cutter is an amazing place for just about anything, breakups included. This hole-in-the-wall dive bar on Virgil has been in business forever, but it’s particularly great because the owner/bartender will often chime in with advice, words of wisdom or the slow sell on a Smog Cutter T-shirt. When you’re done, you can unpack the breakup with her, get plastered or sing some awful karaoke to process the sudden change in your romantic status. A reminder: It’s cash only — so don't get caught having to elongate the night with a walk to a gas station ATM. Breakup foul indeed!
864 N. Virgil Ave., East Hollywood; yelp.com/biz/smog-cutter-los-angeles.
1. Galco’s Soda Pop Stop
I know what you’re thinking: Galco’s is cute and date-y, not one of the best breakup spots in L.A.! Well, think again. Here’s the recommendation from someone who has broken up in Galco’s parking lot on no less than three different occasions: Sit in your car in the lot (parking is ample at Galco's!) on a Tuesday afternoon and say what you need to say to lukewarm Tinder date Dan. Dan exits car. You cry a little — the sex was fun, after all. Then you go inside and make yourself a six-pack of delicious beer or soda, or even create a custom soda (My hits? “Berry New Beginnings,” “Why’d we go to that lavender farm if you didn’t want to date me” and “Jason, you are dead to me.” Come back out to the lot, drink the soda and throw the empty in the Dumpster. The bottle's broken, but you ain’t. Mazel tov!
5702 York Blvd., Highland Park; galcos.com.